Sephiroth the Man: a History
by meowwl
Summary: Sephiroth through the eyes of his aide de camp, Ana'e. She is a complete pro, and I'm not xing him with anyone, She'd hunt me down. Back off fangirls! If Sephiroth wanted fawning and bootlicking, he'd get a dog. she says. Ch 3 up. Please REVIEW
1. The Interview Begins

Since Crisis Core has rendered all this completely AU, I decided it needs cleaning up. I plan on keeping to this storyline till I find an end for this alternate universe. If you were in love with this prior to the edit, I deeply apologize...But I am my own beta, and rereading through this, I wanted to smack myself for having so many run-on sentences and incomplete explanations. I also wanted to recalculate some of the ages. I'm basing most of them on some things I recall from the game and from Last Order. My timeline has Sephiroth at age 34 (It looks like 34 in that file in the beginning of Last Order to me.) when he 'died' in the reactor core, 24 leading in Wutai, approximately 20 when he made general, and roughly 16 when Ana'e meets him the first time. I had the impression that the wutai conflict had been going on for a long time when they sent Sephiroth and SOLDIER in to end it, and Elmyra says her husband had been called to the front 15 years before the game, and implies the war went on for a good while after. I'm also trying to stick to the interview format, since Ana'e keeps yelling "Godsdammit, I would never just go rambling on to some stranger! You fix it now before people think I'm on drugs!" in my head.

Disclaimer! I don't own Sephiroth or Zack (Who belong to Square Enix) or anyone else who should show up in here except Ana'e and Jair...and most of the time I think Ana'e owns me, not the other way around! Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, or the Oversoul whispering in my ear, depending on your belief system.

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Date, 15th of 5th moon, 1999 Old Midgar calendar, or 15th of 5th moon, 2nd year Post Meteorfall by Edge reckoning. Personal log and report of Johnasi Zuri of the W.R.O. recent history investgation and scientific archival corps.I have been sent to find and interview one of the last surviving officers of the SOLDIER support corps of the Shinra army. In light of recent events (reference case file delta 7. Jenova project # 67,#73, and #77, reunion remnants, A.K.A Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj. See attempted second advent section.), the W.R.O. has requested that anyone with a connection to Sephiroth (See Jenova project archives, case file alpha 3 and previous.) be interviewed in order to prepare for a possible second return, and to aid the unnumbered former subject of the Jenova project (See trooper info file C.S. NB 15-MIPD, and Shinra Science Dept Jenova project specimen file Ho-C Nib.) in prevention or neutralization in the event it succeeds.

To that end, I have travelled to the village of Phoenix's Fell in the southeastern corner of the continent, nearly 150 miles from Fort Condor to find one Ana'eledore Kyruk and her life mate Jairedh Ornari. I found and queried Dr. Ornari at the clinic he had established in the village, and have his observations in the accompanying addenda to this report. He gave what information he was able to, but wasn't accquainted on a personal level with the details of anything earlier than 12 years prior to the present day. He directed me to his life mate (See Mideelan and far northern marriage customs, handfasting, empathic bonding.) Colonel (On indefinite leave according to the last Shinra Records.) Ana'elidore Kyruk (Decorations listed, Oakleaf merit, Mithril Circle, Bloodrose, Silver moon, Order of the Red Badge, Order of the Jade Shield, Blue Helmet award, Orb of Courage, and Wutai silver drop.) She had been the then General Sephiroth's aide de camp for nearly 14 years before his madness and attempt to destroy the planet.

On a personal note, I must admit to some trepidation as I approach the house, and the woman living in it. This woman held one of the most classified jobs one could have as a Shinra trooper for a record length of time. By all accounts, she carried it through with honor and skill, maintaining the confidentiality required for it from the day she started...and that is what worries me. She may regard the information as still confidential and classified, and refuse to speak to me. Colonel Kyruk is by all accounts a formidable woman, nearly as powerful and dangerous as a SOLDIER, and by reputation twice as irrascible...I can only hope that I can impress upon her the desperate need for information about the former Shinra General that has driven the W.R.O. to intrude upon her. I am aware of the fact that she could most likely snap my neck without so much as breaking a sweat, health or no, as I knock on the door of the cabin by the cliff as Dr. Ornari has directed me. It is only by force of will that I do not retreat from the slightly hostile expression on the tall, pale woman who answers the door. Even without the bandages wound around her leg and shoulder, it is apparent that she is not in the best health...Yet another urgency to my coming here. The good doctor assures me that though her disease is the slow progressing variant for now, geostigma is unpredictable in it's virulence even from day to day.

Beginning holo-recording now.

Yes, I am Ana'eledore Kyruk, though I haven't been a colonel for nearly five years..With Shinra essentially gone, I guess you could call me retired. Sephiroth you say? Yes I knew him...before. Well, before he went dissappeared and went mad of course! Of course I still remember him...Oh! You want to know about him! No! Go away...I'll not violate confidentiality! Can't you damn reporters leave a sick woman alone! Oh, Jair sent you?...A state historian, not a reporter you say? The new government needs to know?..huh!. You hold on and I'll verify all that...Hell yes I'm suspicious! The last idiot tried to dose me with truth serum! Show me some I.D. now boy!...Johnasi Zuri. Just you wait a minute while I call and verify this...you'll have to excuse me if I don't take your unadorned word for it...And stop flinching. I'm not going to rip your head off...unless you are lying. Huh, I guess you really are an archivist. Jair says you are what you say you are as well...But why should I tell you anything anyway? What! Clones, trying to bring him back! Mid twenties and a teenager...The hell you say!

Oh planet, it must be those poor kids from Hojo's lab...I wonder what happened to their foster parents? Well, I'll answer on one condition..that this interview is not made public knowledge in any way for at least fifteen years, if at all..I would prefer it kept on a permanent need to know basis. I regard the General's privacy as inviolable, but I know that the man he was before would not have allowed the being he later became to even exist, much less do the kind of things he's done...and I suppose I should tell someone what he was really like, before people forget the good things he did...I don't know, maybe he was just manipulating me all along..Maybe I was blind and he had me completely decieved, or maybe he just never showed me his dark side. He never really frightened me, you know, even when he was angry with me. He called me his "little aide"..I don't really know why, I wasn't much shorter than him. I think it started as a test of my self control, a sarcastic thing, because I'm anything but little, especially for a woman, but as I became better at my job, and he became less acid, I found I didn't mind at all being called "little aide"..it seemed to be an almost affectionate term from him..And in turn, I loved him like I would have an elder brother.

He wasn't evil, he just went insane from the strain of believing himself to be nothing more than an experiment...He had to believe that he was destined for godhood, therefore more than human, because otherwise he would have to believe that he was less than human. The experiences of his terrible childhood warped him. In order to survive it, he learned to build himself up in his own mind, to believe that he was better than anyone else...that everyone else was beneath him. A point of view first encouraged by Dr. Gast, who believed Sephiroth to be an ancient, and destined to lead mankind to the promised land. Confirmed in his mind by all the tests he survived, both physical and mental, and later by all the people he met..especially in battle. He never, till the very end, found an equal, let alone someone who could best him. Though his earliest childhood was supervised by Dr. Gast, his adolescence was left to his father, Hojo...and that was horrific enough by itself to drive a person mad. From what I learned after he dissappeared, and what Sephiroth himself told me, Hojo essentially tried to test him to the point of destruction. Maybe in the end he succeeded, starting with Sephiroth's heart and mind first.

Even in his madness he wasn't completely without compassion, you know. He wanted to remake the world, to transform it into the promised land. I don't believe he really even wanted to kill everyone...He just wanted to make them as strong as he was the only way he believed he could, by making them a part of himself. In truth, I'm not completely sure that they were right to stop him to this day. No Mr. Zuri, I don't agree with his methods...but I can't help but wonder sometimes, if this world would be better off without humans. People can do some of the most horrible things to one another, and the world around them.

He was always courteous, calm and polite..he expected the same in return, and made no bones about letting you know his displeasure when he wasn't treated with the same courtesy...That made him seem to those who didn't know him to be absolutely cold, calculating, ruthless, and totally without compassion..not true, or any number of people would not be here today...even some of your so-called heroes. Don't get me wrong, he could be deliberately brutal and cruel, but always for a purpose, like teaching someone a necessary lesson, or in a fight. He was an unholy terror to face in battle, or if you'd pissed him off or lied to him...He would hurt you if you lied. He hated liars, and he always seemed to know, with only one exception, when he was being lied to...Always. If you told the truth, though, and if you faced him when he was angry without flinching; if you kept your cool, and accepted your punishment with courage and dignity, he seemed to respect that. Not many people truly earned his respect..the closest I ever saw was one of his young SOLDIER firsts. He was always fair when he had to mete out a punishment...For that matter, unless your offense was something that endangered yourself or another, he was usually even a little lenient. He was FAR less arbitrary when compared to the other generals. I even knew him to be kind every once in a while...I should know, I was his aide de camp for many years...

You wouldn't think it, but armor and uniforms need a lot of time to keep them in good shape, not to mention tons of paperwork required to keep things running smoothly, when he was far too busy to have time...Hence the need for an aide...someone has to act as secretary, a valet, keep his armor polished, his clothing laundered and properly pressed, his leathers in good shape, and occasionally help maintain his longer than regulation hair. I will never ever forget him. He was terrifying and magnificent! Terrifying in his anger, magnificent in battle, a driven and gifted general, and oh, the way he wielded that sword! Even the few times I witnessed him in full battle mode left an indelible impression on my mind...He was as beautiful and dangerous as an erupting volcano, and as much a force of nature to his enemies.

It might seem strange, but to my knowledge, he never killed in any manner but cleanly and quickly, usually with a single stroke of his masamune. It was a point of honor with him. If he wanted you dead, dead was what you were going to be, no doubt about it! The same went if he wanted you to stay alive, "safe as houses", as the saying goes...though if you ended up needing a rescue, especially if you'd done something stupid that required him to bail you out, you had better be prepared to be the subject of mockery. He had no patience for anyone who couldn't be bothered to learn how to defend themselves. In his view, if you could learn how to at least minimally defend yourself, it was your duty to do so. The only exceptions were children...He always seemed tolerant of children, even when they would crowd around him in the streets, begging him for autographs and pictures. Anyone else though, who was not disabled in some way, could expect cutting remarks and acid wit for a week afterwards. It was nearly bad enough to make you wish you had died. He could use his voice like he used his sword, to cut anyone who acted like an idiot in front of him into little ribbons...It was very much like being verbally skinned alive.

It was a treatment I unfortunately merited a couple of times, usually by being somewhere I wasn't supposed to be..like too close to a battle front. I remember when I first went to serve him after his last aide had been killed on the field. Planet, but that seems like a lifetime ago! I'd heard just after I arrived in camp that the poor idiot had just stood there without defending himself!..not entirely his fault of course...aides weren't adequately trained to defend themselves at that time. General Sephiroth wasn't pleased, to have a female aide de camp, much less a slightly plump (at the time!..officer training academy food, along with sitting in classes day in day out, can really put weight on you.), six foot tall, gawky, young, female aide. The associated rumors alone were disgusting and vicious...Totally false, of course. I was an aide de camp, not anybody's doxy! I was a brand new lieutenant just out of officer training school at the time, hadn't seen any fighting...In other words, I was so shiny-new that it was a miracle I didn't squeak when I walked! I was absolutely determined to show him I could be just as good, if not better, and twice as professional as any of the aides he'd had before.

It helped that I had bright memories of a certain tall, young...he didn't look any older than barely thirteen at that time, but I think he told me later that he was in fact a bit older than that, for that matter, he was pretty much ageless, he never looked as old as he should have...silver haired, and how strange that was, I'd thought at the time, Shinra guard lieutenant. The SOLDIER program was in its infancy, and he hadn't joined yet, you see...who had been assigned by his squad leader to practice restorative magic on the minor wounds of the young hostages of a pack of bandits that they'd recently rescued. Most of them sported minor cuts and scrapes, but a few had more serious wounds. The bandits had raided our town school, and decided to hold the kids for ransom...and they hadn't been gentle with us. The rest of the guard troop went to mop up the last of the bandits that had attacked our little village, and left him behind with a radio to help heal and to guard us just in case they doubled back. I doubt he'd remember me from back then...He called me a "practical child." Practicality and effectiveness seemed to impress him. I was about eight or so at the time...I had all the other kids in line in order of severity of injury, and had begun to apply basic bandages, before he arrived on the scene...Don't go 'awww' at me! If you call me nurse-Jane-Fuzzy what-the-hell-ever, you're gonna need a bandage yourself boy! No mister Zuri, I'm not an Ifrit damned leader or healer of any sort! I was simply the only one there who had any knowledge of healing! My aunt was the town nurse and midwife, she raised me after my parents were killed...I didn't get along with my little sister you see. She was forgetting our parents, our history, everything, and didn't even want to remember them after they were gone...I suppose it was her way of dealing with the loss, but I couldn't understand her attitude at all till it was far too late. No, I don't really regret it...she found a sort of happiness on her own, and I doubt she remembers anything at all anymore.

My parents? Well, nothing extraordinary there...Mother was a professional materia prospector, born and raised on Mideel, and my father was a monster hunter from the northern continent...They died just after I turned five. Dad went missing on a hunt, and Mother died that same year when the fever came around. No, it's a northern thing, fevers and minor plagues sweep through the villages up there every year at the beginning of spring. Usually it's not bad, minor stuff that can be treated with herbs from the area, it's only when the person has a weakened immune system...like from grief...Anyway, when my sister was adopted, they sent me to live with my aunt instead...And you simply can't live with someone at that age and not pick up a few things. Why didn't I become a nurse? Sheesh! Do I LOOK like the nurturing, ass wiping, bedpan handling type? Besides, I don't like sick people! Oh nevermind, I digress.

When I took the military entrance exams, They showed I had a strong aptitude for sensory magic..one that was considered unusually high for my level of strength, and through that they found out I'm a form of sensitive, an empath to be exact..low level of course, useless in battle, I have to shut it down...probably got it from my grandfather. I sense moods and strong emotions, nothing more. Sensitivities aren't that uncommon, even in the military, they just tend to recognize and train some of the more useful sorts. A talent for sensory magic out of proportion with one's strength level is a big indicator for sensitivity. If you have an untrained person who seems to pick up sensory or healing spells with ease, but can't keep up at the same pace with any other type, you probably have a sensitive of some sort there...You should definitely let your higher ups know about that bit, how to recognize sensitivity...If they're as ignorant of it as you were, then there are any number of people either being wasted or even possibly driven insane. Certain kinds of sensitives need to be trained to shut it down, or they'll get lost in the emotions or whatever of everyone around them! I'm really glad I wasn't stronger in that particular aspect, because the stronger sensitives had to submit to blocks or meds, to keep them out of shinra heads...Either that, or they dissappeared. Into the labs or just terminated, I don't know...That may have something to do with their rarity, if they were getting killed off by shinra before they had a chance to have kids...What a sad thought...Anyway! The army tended to weed anyone too strongly sensitive to handle it out pretty quick. How did the army deal with them? Well, you can probably imagine how a lot were placed...psychometry and short term precog in the scout corps, empathy and clairvoyance to the spy corps...etc. If my talent had been stronger, I'd have most likely ended up in INTDIV...that's the army's intelligence division to you. No, not the TURKS, they didn't take in sensitives of any kind on a permanent basis...Too many things they didn't want anyone sensing, I suppose. On very RARE occasions they'd hire one on for specific jobs, but for the most part they avoided them. The powers that be decided I belonged in support track, in officer training to be an aide...Probably a good thing they could see I wasn't command track material, because I really am no kind of leader...I can function as one for limited times if there is no one else around to do it, but I'd be a walking ad for an ulcer medication if I tried to do it for long.

When they told me who my first permanent assignment was to be, well I was both overjoyed and intimidated to say the least! I'd I grown up on stories of him and his lightning fast rise to rank, and how he practically rebuilt SOLDIER with the elite of the Shinra army, and also how he'd gone through aides like a hot knife through butter. It was a rare candidate who made it through a week with him before he dismissed them...Maybe they thought that being able to sense his moods would make me better able to avoid offending him. I refused their "additional mission" as an obviously unethical order. An aide de camp must keep all details about their officer in confidence. They had asked me to report on the general's emotional states, and I bluntly refused the order. They decided out of desperation to send me anyway after my idiot predecesor got himself demised. In a way they were right, I always knew where I stood with him, and how to react to him. I knew full well that he would always be uncompromising when it came to matters of honor, and as long as I was competent, professional, and never acted in an insubordinate or dishonorable manner then he would at least tolerate me. That was half the problem with his other aides...They all had tried to either challenge him, or seduce him. Both were behaviors guaranteed to offend him.

Anyway, the first real fighting I saw as his aide was a small skirmish..Some bandits had at the last gotten a squad past our lines that was intent on destroying whatever they could get their hands on. They started by setting the tents on fire. I, being a young idiot, went back in to get the General's uniforms and kit, and ran into the enemy on the way out. Naturally, I was laden down with various bits of kit, and at that time fairly untrained...Shinra corp was notorious for it's inadequate self-defense training of their non-combatant officers at that time... They knocked me down and were about to chop me into hamburger or worse, when an annoyed General came to my rescue. I stood in silence as he stripped off my hide later that day without ever raising his cultured and pleasant baritone voice...He almost never shouted except on the battlefield...He never needed to, because he had such a commanding presence. I would have been less embarrassed had he stripped me naked and beaten me. The nicest thing he called me that day was "idiot girl". Yet I knew he wasn't entirely displeased with me...He wouldn't have bothered dressing me down if he had been, he'd have just sent me back to headquarters with my reassignment papers. I accepted the dressing down with equanimity and responded sensibly and respectfully when he required it of me. I think he halfway expected me to run away, come after him in a rage, or to just break down in tears. Maybe that is why he decided to give me a real chance..or maybe he just enjoyed the novelty of having an aide who never showed outright fear of him, yet still treated him with the deference due his rank and accomplishments. In turn, he treated me like one of his men, like one of his SOLDIERs or trainees...Like one of the guys. I think he forgot, or perhaps just completely ignored the fact that I was a woman most of the time.

He did test me before accepting me as his permanent aide de camp...With some complex and dicey paperwork as a secretary, as a valet, with the proper maintenance of his uniforms and armor, and by having me attend him in the bath a couple of times. Oh, don't be daft...I was respectful, not dead! Of course I was aware of him as a very attractive man, I just refused to act unproffessionally! That was the absolute acid test, you know...If I'd been just a shade less disciplined or less honorable, I might have tried something stupid then. In planet's honest truth, I don't even know what he looked like at all between waist and knees...I carefully kept my eyes averted, or focused on his face, as I passed him towels; even when I wrapped a robe around him, I didn't even try to peek. I think I earned a couple of points with him after he had toweled his hair dry too. He was combing through it and yanking at the tangles, only making them worse, apparently oblivious to any pain."If you will permit me sir..I said taking the comb from him.."If you start from the bottom, and work your way up, it pulls the knots out instead of tightening them on top of one another." and being careful not to pull, I combed his hair till it was smooth as silk...Something I must admit I enjoyed immensely, though I carefully didn't show it..."Hmph! Good, little aide..now hand me the formal jacket." he said, testing me yet again..most people, even most new aides, would have just handed him the dress uniform tunic which was only for parades and extremely formal occasions. "Which one sir, the dress formal, or the undress formal?" I asked. "The undress formal lieutenant..When we get back to Midgar, you will be moving into the aide's quarters at the SOLDIER training dojo." he said offhandedly with a small but satisfied smile. I just nodded blandly and said "Yes sir." though I felt like jumping up and down...But I acted in every way the complete professional. I'd passed all his tests, I didn't want to fowl it up by acting like a crazed fan. It all seemed to impress him sufficiently, so he decided to keep me on. I began to breathe a tad easier when I'd made it through that first week in the field though.

When we finally got back to the dojo near Midgar six months later, I did move into the aide's quarters..though not without a qualm or two after I saw they were actually part of the general's suite. I had my own room, office and bathroom, but they were connected to his through a common living room."Won't there be rumors?..I am female, sir.." I asked neutrally. There had already been a few, really nasty ones..I always fell back on the lecture the general gave all the new SOLDIER recruits..."All of the men and women here are your family from now on, and you will treat your fellow recruits with the same respect you would give a sibling, those above you in rank the respect due an elder sibling, and you will treat your commanders with the same obedience and respect you would treat your parents with. What this means to you right now is if any of you are in a 'particular' relationship with one another, you have twenty-four hours to put in for a transfer to separate units, without prejudice. I will not allow disruptions and jealousies for a pair of idiots!" he'd say in his parade ground voice, and order them to read the files on Rodai and Talsarin..The infamous lovers who tried to protect one another, and left their posts. They failed, and as a result, the defenses failed at a critical point, and caused the deaths of their entire unit, and the town they were guarding...Hence the rule against fraternization within the same chain of command. It didn't mean one couldn't have a relationship within the army, it just meant that you couldn't be in the same unit as your beloved...It helped that there was more than one division of SOLDIER training at that time. He wasn't kicking the pairs out of the program, he was just demanding they switch part of the pair to one of the other training units. The rules just made it easier to sort of put him in a sibling category in my mind when I began to love him...It gave me an outlet for my feelings that was still within the bounds of propriety. If he'd even hinted that he wished it otherwise, I suppose I would likely have flung myself at his feet...But I think I'm much happier that he didn't, on a personal level. In fact he made it very clear that he disapproved of such dubious behaviour. If he wasn't worried about nasty gossip, then neither would I be...It was his reputation and good opinion that I was concerned with, not my own or anyone else's.

"It's merely rumor lieutenant. I think you're fully capable of quashing any rumors...Though if it becomes a problem, I'll want to know about it." he replied, his tone making it perfectly clear that rumors was damn well all it had better be...Not that I'd ever try anything that even hinted at fraternization, even if I'd wanted to...It would have been unprofessional and dishonorable. "It will not be a problem sir." I said firmly. "Good...as soon as you are settled, please locate the sector seven files for me lieutenant...I haven't been able to find them for several weeks." he ordered. I winced, having gotten a good look at the files already...They were hopelessly fouled up...this was an opportunity I'd been waiting for. "What is it lieutenant?" he asked to the dismayed expression on my face. I took a breath, "Request permission to reorganize the files sir." I said in a rush. "What is your reason for this request lieutenant?" he asked with a frown."I don't want to speak ill of the dead sir"..."If you are referring to that idiot I had as an aide before you, go ahead...I spoke ill of him to his face, and he was completely oblivious." he muttered, obviously annoyed at the memory...remembering the rumors about his former aide, that he was a starstruck nitwit, I understood his irritation. "Sorry sir...The files are a complete mess. It appears that my predecesor simply put things in various drawers at random." (A severe understatement..I'd actually found a dead rodent in one of the cabinets, squashed between the misfiled folders.) "The only way to make them usable again is to completely reorganize them." I said keeping it polite, though it was obvious to anyone who'd even glanced at those files that my predecessor was an incompetent idiot who had spent all his time drooling over the general rather than doing his job. "Very well, how long will this reorganization take, lieutenant?" he asked with an air of resignation. "A bare minimum of two days, if you can spare me from other tasks, possibly seven to ten days if not sir." I wasn't exaggerating my estimate in any way. "Your are excused from any other duties till this project is finished...Requisition any supplies you need from central lieutenant, and you may make use of the main room if you need space." That was more than I had dared hope..I could spread the files out and reorder them more easily "Thank you sir, I'll start on it right away." It took me three days of being at them from reveille to midnight, and I ended up using the floor, and every other available surface of the main room, but by the time I'd finished, anyone could lay their hands on a given file in less than one minute. It earned me my promotion to major..the only thing that ever made any kind of impression on Sephiroth was competence and professionalism.

He kept me on, mostly because he didn't want to be inconvenienced by having to break in another aide, or by being stuck with whatever incompetent the company sent him for an aide again, (he'd had some real geniuses in the past..like the last one before me, too stupid to get out of the way of a battle.) I think, and once I proved that I wasn't some incompetent, fawning, drooling, fanbrat, he decided to keep me on even after my first tour of duty had ended. He could have requested another aide at that point, someone with at least nominal combat training and experience...But instead, he decided that he wasn't going to lose another assistant because they couldn't defend themselves adequately...In those days support track officers weren't properly trained to defend themselves, we were told to rely on the enlisted men for defense, that after all "that was what they were there for"...I wasn't ever stupid enough to parrot that kind of rigamarole back at the general, though I'd heard that some of his prior aides had, and ended up out on their singed ears, fast enough to make their heads swim! He started training me with his pre-SOLDIER class to make sure I was proficient with at least two major weapons, as well as unarmed combat and knife fighting. He started by asking me about all of my experiences with self defense..what kind of training I'd had...Not much other than basic training, magic defense, a decent gun course and a kick-em-in-the-crotch-and-run women's self-defense class. To size me up he had me stand with my arms straight out, and prowled slowly around me staring at me with those icy, aqua eyes that seemed to see every flaw, every weakness, so intently I swear I could feel it! I was sweating bullets the whole time! He decided I should stick to my own long range weapon; a discreet little handgun with armour piercing ammo..that I had been previously trained in and was judged adequate with. The second weapon he chose for me was a double bladed labrys axe that I initially had no idea how to use. He said I had a good reach for it, and was just not suited for swordwork. I was deeply honored that Sephiroth decided to train me himself, as he had trained many SOLDIERs before. Yes Mr. Zuri!, I actually did feel very honored...and even more than I was intimidated! In truth, it was much simpler than sending me all the way across town to the army training grounds...and I don't think his confidence in them was at an all time high after learning how little training that support track people were actually given. He did it himself, so he could be sure it was done correctly.

He started out by chasing me around the dojo or having one of the other SOLDIER trainees run me around for an hour or so teaching me evasion tactics...a method that involved me simply ducking, dodging, blocking or otherwise getting out of the way of his strikes. As I grew more skilled, he began to teach me how to handle my labrys. Working with a double bladed axe is tricky to say the least, at least until you learn how to use its momentum, and build enough strength in your arms for control...but once you master it, it's both weapon and shield in one! By the time he was finished with me, I could hold my own against all comers, up to and including pre-mako SOLDIER recruits...and I could, at least give a good accounting of myself against full fledged SOLDIERs.


	2. Overwhelming Compassion

Yes, I was honored to be one of the few non-SOLDIERS to be trained by the great General Sephiroth...Though not too many others would still take pride in it..but I'm not going to forget the honor he did me...regardless of his recent actions. All right Mr.Zuri...I'll tell you about how he trained me. Oh hell no it wasn't easy! I never said that it even resembled easy! What it was, was damned good at teaching me what I needed to know to defend myself!

The general believed in the idea of pain as the best teacher, because it is instinctive to try to avoid it. Pain is also closely tied to memory..If something hurts you, you're going to remember what you did wrong, to avoid repeating the experience. Once he taught you a maneuver, he expected you to implement it. If you missed a block, you got thwacked..and I don't mean just a love tap...he usually left bruises to remind you. He said that an enemy wouldn't stop at mere bruises...And on the rare occasions that anything worse than a bruise occurred, there was always a cure spell. There were also potions for use after a session if the discomfort was great enough to prevent sleep. I was too proud to ask for one often, but it was not unusual for me to come back to quarters with welts and bruises from not only his practice blade, but the leather riding crop he carried when someone was in the early stages of training with him. He used it in lieu of his fists, because he was so strong that he could kill with them if he wasn't careful, and the crop would break before doing real damage...No, that's not an exaggeration, I saw him do it once...Killed an attacking Wutaian with a single punch to the head, but that's another story. Punches or blows from a hand can be as incapacitating as any you'd get from a blade anyway. He'd give you a whack if he thought you were holding back with him too. It was unnecessary to do so, since no ordinary person had any chance of harming him at all...Even if they were mako infused, it was exceedingly unlikely that they'd succeed in getting the advantage...He was, after all, the best! It was far from pleasant, but I definitely learned to defend myself!

After a while, as I became more proficient at dodging he needed to use the crop less, and when I reached a level where I was able to block effectively, he stopped using it altogether. He made sure I kept in practice on at least a weekly basis. If I didn't engage in a sparring session with someone at least once a week, General Sephiroth would "invite" me to spar himself...and planet defend me then, if I wasn't in decent shape! No, no dammit! It wasn't abusive or excessive, he was always fairly careful with me...I never needed more than a simple potion to completely cure any injuries I got from the sparring sessions. For that matter, the only times I got really hurt were when I'd done something either exceptionally stupid or tried a new move I'd come up with...For the latter, he didn't even wait for me to ask for the potion, he'd simply cast a cure and critique the advantages and disadvantages of the new move. He treated all the trainees the same, and I probably could have asked him to ease up on me a little at any time, without anybody but myself thinking less of me. I knew exactly what I was getting into from the beginning, and he explained exactly what I was in for every step of the way. No one was in training with him who didn't want to be there. For that matter, beyond a certain basic level, I could have stopped altogether, but chose to learn all I could anyway...And I was beginning to enjoy the physical activity anyway. It gets so extremely boring sitting on your butt doing paperwork day after day that having a training session or a spar is a very welcome break. He was always careful not to push us too far beyond our strength. No, it isn't exaggeration, it's a simple fact Mr. Zuri...you can probably look it up for yourself. Nobody that he trained was ever seriously injured during that training. Something that was simply not so with other trainers. I think it was because he was SO much stronger, on such a higher level of ability that he learned to control and temper his strength better.

As I continued training, over time I needed less of his attention...That meant I could watch more of the training the SOLDIER training process. One day after watching a 'hostage' retrieval with a 'female' dummy end up badly botched...Mostly due to some of their typical boyish misbehavior, I began to tentatively offer suggestions. "Are you volunteering to show them major?" The general asked with a look...That look that said loud and clear that he wouldn't allow pointless interference, that I'd better have something relevant and useful to say...or I was going to be lucky to end up on latrine duty for the remainder of my career...He was already annoyed with the failure of the exercise...I was taking something of a chance, but I believed I could help. "Yes sir, I guess I am..Because if they try to handle a real female that way, someone will likely end up, umm, incapacitated temporarily...if they are lucky." I said..they'd their hands in very inapproprate places for a female hostage...and thought it was oh so very funny.

Yes, I know it was just a dummy..but it was damned unproffesional and unobservant of them! Just because they were in the habit of treating me like one of the boys, didn't mean my gender had changed, Mr. Zuri. I have to admit that I'd been rather offended by the comments and such they had been exchanging as well...and slightly unnerved as well at that time...Sixteen to twenty something year old boys all grouped together, what else would you figure? Now, mister Zuri, don't give me that innocent look..think back to when you were that age...I know it wasn't that long ago now...ehhh? Haha, thought so!! I didn't feel that it was an attitude that men destined to be several times stronger than normal men should be encouraged to keep...For the sake of the women they'd meet later, I felt I had to do something to curb their, errm, boyish enthusiasm...before one of the ladies ended up curbing it with a knee to the groin!

"Go ahead major." the general said with deceptive mildness and a slight smirk. I nodded and started to talk, knowing that I was on my own in this, sink or swim...But I got the faint impression that he was annoyed by their behavior as well, if only because it was so unproffesional, and might have reflected badly on him as their commander.

"Y-You have to treat women like roses!" I said nerves making my voice tremble slightly, and they looked totally confused by the metaphor. Yes, I know it was a cheesy metaphor, but it's what I could think of at the time. "What happens if you handle a rose the wrong way?..You either damage it, or you get scratched by the thorns. If you handle a real woman the way you were handling the training dummy, she's going to think you're a pervert and do all she can to fight you off, no matter what your real intentions are...and someone will likely get hurt in the process, either you or the lady in question. If you tried to carry me off like that, touching me in such an inappropriate manner, I'd fight you off...And with me at least, you have the advantage of knowing that I'm trained to effectively defend myself, and keep myself from getting hurt. From a civilian lady you could expect screaming, kicking, scratching, and biting at the least, especially with a frightened, manipulated or enchanted target." I said plainly. One of the boys snickered..cocky little bastard as I recall...fortunately he got that knocked out of him later on...Solshini or Saltsini, or something like, was his name. "You want to try it and see boy?..I'll even be civil about it!" I challenged him. "Sure!" he said with a snicker, and charged right in and slung me over his shoulder, patting me on the butt..Smart assed bastard thought it was funny..big mistake, because now I was pissed! I reached down his back, snagged his underwear, and yanked them up to give him the wedgie of a lifetime. I walloped him upside the head with my elbow in the same motion, he dropped me, and I swept his feet out from under him, landing him on his backside...Using choice words I'd acquired while living in the slums all the while. I kicked his chest to knock him flat when he tried to sit up, and lifted a foot over the trainee's..ahem, particulars for several seconds, letting him know just what my next target would have been...You look a little pale there Mr. Zuri, is everything all right? Ok?, alright, on with it.

I stepped back and offered the young man a hand up. "I think they've got your point now major. the general said dryly. "This information from the female perspective is useful." His eyes brightened with an idea. "Perhaps we should involve you in the training process from now on. You know we have a live person in the place of the dummy later on in the process..Will you agree to play 'victim' for the men?" the general asked with that note of challenge in his voice. I thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "I would be willing to do so, sir. I think they already know what it's all right to grab hold of, they just needed a reminder." I said, raking them over with a glare. "If anyone becomes in any way inappropriate with you, you have my permission to break the offending fingers." general Sephiroth said. "I'm sure that will not be neccessary sir...If I'm training with them then I am technically a part of the unit..and that should make me like a sister to them." I said, and the boys all nodded agreement. And so I became more involved in training pre-mako infusion SOLDIER trainees, usually by being a live resisting target, or playing 'brainwashed kidnap victim' for them, so they could practice capturing live, struggling, confused, or manipulated targets unharmed...I didn't mind that much at all, I'm not one of those people who blacks out or gets nauseous from having low level manipulation spells cast on me...probably because I trusted the General, and he was the one doing the casting. It got very rough and tumble at times, but sprains and strains could be taken care of in fairly short order with a cure spell, so I didn't mind getting treated like a sack of grain or a crash test dummy too much...Most of the time.

Being part of the training process nearly got me into trouble again a couple of years later. One of the older trainees in the latest class, was "retrieving" me in a simulated rescue mission, and got me down on the floor in with my arms stretched above my head, grasped in one hand, sitting on me in a certain way, and reaching into his belt for fastcuffs...and something triggered a bad flashback to what had happened when I was about twelve years old. The incident was what prompted me to get that first self defense class and the gun course. You might say that in a round about way, it was what landed me in the military in the first place...No, it's alright. I can talk about it now without wanting to crawl in a hole. The General was in part responsible for that, in fact. I would likely still be suffering through the memories and nightmares if it hadn't been for him...and time has taken care of the rest. By that time I was over the anxiety attacks that had sent me to Shinra's largely ineffective psychiatric counselors, and the night terrors were dimmed enough that they didn't wake me up screaming anymore...I'd trained myself to wake with a gasp or silently. But I'd lived so long with nightmares of it that I'd forgotten what it was like to be without them.

After my aunt died of the plague, there simply weren't enough people left in our little village to take in the orphans, so they shipped us to Midgar...I was fostered out to a woman who didn't care about me at all, just the money she was getting each month from the Children's Services Department for taking care of me. I ran off when she tried to steal away the last things I had from home to sell. I was a child alone in the midgar slums, living off what I could busk, and a couple of taverns that would let me have a corner to play in during the evenings. I was returning to my flop one night, when I was violently assaulted and left for dead. The three of them were high on something, and I was a runaway in a part of the slums I wasn't supposed to be in after dark...Gods, I knew it was dangerous, but I was in a hurry to get back to the flop I was living in at the time, and going through that section was faster. I thought I'd make it through before dark...after all, I'd done it before. I suppose I was a fool to think that nothing would ever happen to me. I didn't look like a twelve year old, I dressed and acted much older to get the occasional bar gig, and wasn't under the protection of one of the gangs...not that that gave them the right, or even an excuse. I knew who they were by reputation at least, and had somewhat trusted them...And they used me and left me for dead with a knife in my guts.

If Ali, a fellow musician, and later my legal guardian, hadn't found me and gotten me help I would have been dead. I still remember waking up in agony, feeling so dirty, so defiled and worthless that I wished I truly were dead. Bastards. It took me nearly five years before I was ready, but I got them. How?..I shot off the offending member..I hadn't intended to kill them, but I didn't realize they would bleed to death...Hell, I was barely sixteen at the time...It had taken that long to learn how to defend myself, and to find the wherewithall to go after them. No, Mr. Zuri, I hadn't been holding the grudge for that long...If they'd never done it again, I'd most likely have forgiven them, or at least forgotten them. For that matter, I probably wouldn't have bothered to go after them personally, if I hadn't felt as if I had nothing left to lose at that point...It was right after Ali was killed, you see, and my life no longer made sense. Killing them was never my intention, I just wanted to stop them from doing it again. I didn't know anything about that part of male anatomy back then, and had no idea how vascular it is. Vicious you say? Not really, it wasn't even out of revenge by then.. it was more that I couldn't have lived with myself if I had allowed what had happened to me to befall anyone else. No one should have to feel so filthy, so worthless as I had felt..especially a child. So I took care of them, permanently, except the one that committed suicide rather than face me...That isn't really fair...he was the youngest, barely fourteen at the time he'd attacked me, and he genuinely regretted it. I'd actually planned to let him go, I felt so sick...I knew by then that I'd killed two men in essentially cold blood. But when I asked him how he could be sure he wouldn't ever do this to another kid, he shot himself. The judge, in consideration of the extenuating circumstances and with the idea of channeling what he percieved as my violent tendencies, gave me a choice, the army or jail. It is obvious now which option I chose. They sealed my records and shipped me off to basic training. After the total chaos of my childhood and adolescence, the discipline and order of the military was the best thing that could have happened to me. It did help me get my head on relatively straight.

It's surprising how things in the past can haunt you even after everything is long since over. It took a couple of years for me to be able to stand anyone other than Ali, my guardian, touching me in any way...Even something like a stranger patting my shoulder without warning made me nearly jump out of my skin, and friendly hugs could give me nightmares for several years after. Holding me down with my hands over my head sent me into full blown flashbacks...Post traumatic stress they'd call it now I guess. It wasn't that big a problem to me, till I'd been placed in that particular physical position...and it brought back all that pain to my mind. Well, all that's water under the bridge now. It's barely an echo of pain, and the flashbacks were gone after the General had his way with me...Hoist that mind out of the gutter right now mister!..I still regarded him with only the affection that one would a sibling! I regarded ALL the trainees and superior officers in a similar fashion, but him even more so...So you can understand why people forgetting the good he did upsets me so much.

Let's just say I panicked and used excessive force. I threw the poor trainee off of me with a shriek, bolted and ended up crouched in a corner shaking and nauseous, locked for a moment in a struggle with the memories. I came back to myself a few seconds later, nearly dying of shame. The guy was still on the floor. I'd thrown him so hard he'd been knocked for a loop when he hit the wall a bit wrong...Hysterical strength, you see. General Sephiroth saw the whole thing, took one look at my ashen face, and told the rest of the class to hit the showers, called a medic to deal with the poor trainee I'd accidentally hurt. After the medic gave him an "OK" sign to let him know the trainee would live, he snapped "Major, my office, now!" he said to me in a tone that brooked no argument. I followed on autopilot as soon as I could force my feet to move. He gestured me in ahead of me, pointed at a chair beside his desk, and sat in one a couple of feet away, and said "What was that all about major? Do you have some kind of grudge against that trainee?" he asked...I think he thought that there had been some kind of ugly prior incident between myself and the trainee. No, rape within the military wasn't common...but it did happen..and he would NOT have tolerated it in his command. "No sir, i-it's nothing like that." I mumbled hanging my head embarrassed, trying to hide the tears running down my cheeks. "Then what?" he asked. "I-it was a long time ago...I-I can't...can't say it sir...I'm sorry." I said shaking with the memories of pain, fear, rage and humiliation.

"Major, what's the problem?" I shook my head, literally unable to speak. "Tell me!" he said and as I hesitated he grabbed my chin and forced me to meet his eyes. "Ah.. I see." he said, after a moment of searching my eyes...A very unnerving experience, I'll tell you...at the time it felt as though he could see into my very soul! No, no, he wasn't an empath...I'm sure of that, I would have known, believe you me, that kind of thing can't be hidden from me! I believe he simply put it together from my reactions. "I think I can guess some of it." he said surprisingly gently, as he released my chin and handed me a pack of tissues from the desk. The only things I sensed from him then were sympathy and understanding...if he'd felt even the faintest bit of contempt for me at that particular point in time, it would have likely killed me. "It wasn't in your open dossier...From what was in it...Can I assume you took care of the offenders personally?" I nodded, confirming his very correct guess. "The only reason I can think of for you to still have this kind of violent reaction is that it occurred when you were very young." he said in a calm tone and I reluctantly nodded. I don't know why I felt I could open up to him and not the army shrinks. "I was twelve, sir..the records were sealed...No one cared about me for a while after my aunt died. When I ran away from the foster home, they didn't even bother to try to retrieve me...and I guess that what they say about what happens to runaways really is true.." I blurted, nearly missing the momentary flare of rage in the his eyes as I was shaking with the effort of not being sick. Then I realized what I'd confessed, and nearly died of shame. "Oh gods! Is it that obvious?!" I was dismayed that anyone knew, much less him! I thought that he must think me a total weakling! "Your reaction made it obvious only to those who know what to look for...this much I can say, and it's something you already know...Listen to me now...There is NOTHING!" this looking directly into my eyes, "you could have possibly done to deserve it. You were a child, and certainly have nothing to be ashamed of." he said lifting my chin gently and wiping my cheeks with a tissue.

I know it's hard for you to believe, Mr. Zuri...but yes, on occasion he could be that gentle and kind with poeple.

"I'm fairly sure you'll have heard the same from the counselors or psychiatrists..though why they didn't catch this before you completed officer training I would really like to know." he said with a raised eyebrow. "They did sir, and said that as an aide, I was unlikely to encounter a situation that would trigger it..It's partly why they didn't put me in combat track instead of support...I, I'm sorry to weep all over you like this, sorry I reacted so violently...I hope that guy isn't badly hurt..I usually keep things under better control than this!..The damn shrinks are clueless." I said angrily, suddenly unable to stop shaking. "Naturally..you don't trust shrinks much, do you? Can you tell me what triggered this reaction?...So we can prevent the situation from happening again." he said...He was right about the shrinks, they hadn't cared what might happen if I got into a situation off duty..only that I wouldn't harm my fellow cadets at the time. "I, I'm n,not a hundred percent sure sir..bbbut it had something to do with being..t trapped, under him like that and him reaching for me." I stuttered still in a whirl of conflicting feelings. "Do you trust me?" he asked. I nodded slowly...I didn't know why, but I did trust him. "Completely...why do you ask sir?" I said, a tiny bit of wariness percolating through chaos in my mind. "I think I know what triggered your response, and I intend to teach you to control it." W,why sir?" I stuttered. "Because I need a fully functioning assistant, not someone who'll be a danger to my men" he growled without looking at me..It was then I sensed that he truly understood why I'd been upset...That he knew exactly how it felt to be violated and used, to feel like a mere thing. Maybe it wasn't in the same way, but something had left him with the same sense of violation nevertheless. I also sensed that he had issues of his own that he wasn't going to talk about...and I wasn't going to invade his privacy by being nosy about it. So I shut down my empathy. Yes, I can do that...I have to do so in battle or I'd feel some of my enemy's distress. I really can't emphasize enough how low level my ability is...You needn't feel afraid of me, I'm never going to read your mind, and won't deep read anything more than I already have...I read your intentions earlier on is all Mr. Zuri. When I shook your hand. Don't be disgruntled...I wouldn't be talking to you at all without that small reassurance. Very small Mr. Zuri...The only difference between me and someone trained to read expressions is that I am more certain of my interpretations, and I don't have to be looking at a person to sense them. I hate it when people get scared of me because of it. I shut it down as completely as I could back then, and simply trusted in him, and maybe that WAS foolish of me, but I trusted and believed in his honor that completely.

I was also remembering the many rows of faded old scars on his ankles and wrists...he kept them covered most of the time with his bracers and boots..but I'd seen them in the baths and when assisting him on with uniforms..the kind of marks you would get from old style cable restraints, the kind used in insane asylums 25 to 30 years ago, repeatedly pulled far too tight, little linear scars from surgical biopsies, countless marks and other terrible scars, and not the kind you'd get in battle. All of them left unhealed for longer than the 24 hour period that would have prevented scarring, and many years old. He would have been very young when they were made for them to have faded so much, even accounting for his rapid healing factor. I didn't even want to think of the kinds of things that would have left those marks on a kid, let alone what kind of person could do that to a kid. A few years later when I found out that Hojo was Sephiroth's father, and learned the kind of horrible experiments and procedures he'd performed on him...Hell no I won't go into detail! I won't even think about it...Why? I like my lunch where it is, not on the floor thank you very much! You can probably imagine what kinds of things left scars even with the healing factor that Jenova cells gives a person...Well, if he went mad, it makes a horrible kind of sense to me. Maybe he was kind to me then because he understood the anguish of being forced into something painful by someone you trust...Or maybe he just enjoyed manipulating people and felt like using me as another lab rat. I don't know, nor do I care...All I know is that I haven't had a flashback since then, and that makes it worth it to me.

"I'd trust you with my life sir..How exactly do you intend to help me?" I'll admit I blanched a bit when he said "I will put you in the same position you were in earlier, and try to trigger the response in a controlled situation, and retrain it." I wondered aloud "Why would you do this for me sir, personally I mean..when you could just turn me over to the shrinks again?" I asked as he was rising to his feet. "Because the shrinks don't seem to have done you any good, and I believe I can...I am probably the only male that you can absolutely trust to never take advantage of you...and I believe you are worth helping." he said and reached out his hand with more than a hint of challenge in his eyes. I read his mood then, and sensed nothing but confidence and curiosity, not even a flicker of the kind of violent lust I'd encountered in men in the past...Even many of the shrinks had at least some of that sort of vibe in them. I suppose most women would have been flattered by it...I was afraid of it back then, even when it was controlled. Strangely enough, the seeming lack of that in the General was a good thing...I think it would have devastated me emotionally and set my fears in stone if I thought he'd felt that way about me at that point in time. I know, it was a bit of bizarre logic...He didn't want me that way, so therefore he was safe. I could have chickened out then..but I truly did want to get this under control..I was tired of living in fear of my own reactions, and having to warn friends to be wary of me in certain situations. So I gathered my courage and took his hand. He led me back to quarters...as a general he had a fairly extensive quarters above the dojo, living room, kitchen, offices, two suites connected by a common room, one of which was the aide's quarters, the SOLDIER trainee's quarters were off beyond the shower walls, connected by a corridor...and all with excellent soundproofing he later told me..a good thing as I would have been humiliated if anyone had heard me screaming.

He pushed the furniture away from the center of the common room, laid me down on the floor, and sat straddling my legs like the trainee had... "Are you alright with this?" he asked calmly. "Last chance to back out, little aide..Once I have begun, I'm not going to stop till you're under control. Do you understand?" That was a point of honor with him..he'd almost always offer you a chance to back out. I could have said no, and he'd probably just sent me back to the damned shrinks...but I was as determined as he was. I nodded. "I, I'll admit I'm nervous sir...but I don't want to hurt anyone by accident again..I want to control this!" I said. He took my wrists in his hands, and began to lift them over my head, switched his grip to both of my wrists...at that I began to shiver and began to breathe a bit more rapidly.."Still alright?" he said. I nodded, barely coherent, then he started to reach for his belt, his hand brushed my stomach.."Please stop!" I yelped, shuddering with the effort of staying in the present. "I d'don't, w'want to hurt you sir!" I squeaked. I know it was not the logical thing to say, but it reflected my fears at the time...I already knew HE was not going to hurt ME! He returned his hand to my wrist, "You're all right, you know you cannot harm me, you're safe here." he said calmly, and stayed still till my breathing and heart rate went back to near normal. "I know the trigger points for certain now. This time just let it happen..don't worry, I won't allow anything damaging." He said, and then reached down, and began to tug at his belt buckle, not actually doing anything with it, just letting his hand movements brush against my stomach..he wasn't stopping this time...the next thing I knew, I was sitting by the couch, several feet from where I started, with my arms wrapped around me from behind. He was holding my crossed arms at my sides, sort of wrapped around me strait jacket style, as I shakily regained my hold on the present...When the roaring in my ears, and the echoes from my shrieks, cleared, I could hear him saying calmly, gently coaxing, "It's alright, you're safe here, come back to here and now, it's safe, come back to the present, Little aide.." over and over till my vision cleared and I was at last able to say "Yes sir." as the memories of pain and terror subsided. I realized then the controlled strength of his grip, from the years of wielding that massive sword..he hadn't let go, even with me writhing and kicking; he wasn't even winded!

He spun me around and laid me back onto my back and took the same position as before, and before I had any time to object, he pulled a pair of quickcuffs out of a pocket, snapped them on me and clipped the chain around the leg of the couch as I made a squeak of startled protest. He didn't give me any time to dwell on what had just happened, or to get upset about it. "Quiet..This is for your own good. Being restrained is a major part of your trigger. The psychs have been overcomplicating things with you. We are going to try to do something about this now. I'm going to retrain your responses, by overriding the negative memory with a simple, non-threatening one, and neutralizing the reflex...You must do exactly what I tell you to. Can you do this?" he said, and I nodded. It made a lot of sense...Half of the defense training he'd been giving me all along was about new reflexes...and he really knew how to train a reflex into or out of a person...In a fight, you don't have time to think things through too much, and you have to rely on your trained reflexes. That was how he trained the boys after all...The same type of positive and negative reinforcement in a more obvious form, even if he didn't always understand the underlying feelings that well. I'd been through enough with the damned psychs, and done enough reading on my own to think this actually had a chance of working. He laid his left hand against the side of my face. "What do you want me to do sir?" I asked, shivering...Of course I was terrified, but I'd have trusted him to lead me through hell and back! "I want you to try to concentrate on my left hand only" I nodded and he began reaching for his belt again..My vision began to blur, and everything went sort of gray...I felt my self slipping..."Hey!" he patted my cheek sharply with his hand, just enough to feel it, not even enough to really sting. "Left hand remember? Good!" he said sort of stroking my face as I snapped back into focus.

He seemed to have infinite patience with me. I'd start to gray out and begin to get overwhelmed, and he'd call me back into focus with a sharp pat, and stroke my face or my hair a bit, for what seemed like a hundred hours, until at last I snapped back into focus and stayed there on my own, without needing to be prompted...I felt absolutely elated. Yes, I am aware of what he was doing now...bit by bit he was reconditioning me, changing my reflexes, and the feelings associated with them, with that little discipline/reward sequence. It worked because repeated emotional trauma had simply set the physical reactions in hard...Let me see if I can explain...I was afraid of hurting others with my wild reactions, and that fed into the memory of fear, and made it overwhelming. He neutralized the physical part of the reaction by restraining me, and that made the emotional one less intense. I didn't have to be afraid that I'd hurt him, and therefore there was less fear to trigger the reaction. When the fear no longer physically overwhelmed me, he started working on the remembered sensations I'd associated so solidly with that memory, replacing the memory of pain with an inocuous, and even mildly pleasant, touch.

"See, now you are in control!" he said, releasing the cuffs. "One of my little tricks to teach you, then we'll call it a night." he said releasing the chain and reclaiming a hold on my wrists. "I'm going to reach for my belt with my right hand, you try to shift your wrists the opposite direction..Good, now lift your left leg, put your foot on the floor for leverage..good, now push with your leg, and roll your shoulders, use your elbows to push..if that doesn't work, you can bring your knee up hard, though please don't do that now.. and..There! See how off balance I am? You can use that advantage to turn the tables on your attacker, or you could break your attacker's grip and run off. Remember, this technique doesn't require a great deal of strength, it's all in the leverage and balance" he said rising, and giving me a hand up.

I realized with wonder that he had just made sure I would never be in the same situation without a defense again!..It occurred to me to wonder for a moment how he had developed such a defense, then I remembered the rows of scars on his wrists..clear evidence that whatever he'd been subjected to, he definitely hadn't been a willing participant...naturally he'd figure a way to prevent being tied up in the first place. It was then that he made an offer that first shocked me, and later, awed me with the incredible courage it had to have taken...Even if he'd made it knowing that I wouldn't take it, or that he could break the cuffs at any time...

"Now it's your turn..If you wish, you may bind me in the same manner, as I bound you without your permission." he said sitting on the arm of the couch. I stared at him, totally agog."You can't be serious sir!" I protested. "I'm entirely serious major, fair is fair." he said putting the quickcuffs in my hand and removing the bracers he always wore. I looked from his face to his scarred wrists in confusion as he stretched them toward me. "Do you...want me to do this sir?" I asked a bit baffled..wondering for a moment if this was some kind of bizarre fetish on his part...I had, after all, seen much stranger things, growing up in the slums. "It is your choice major." he said with slight tightening of his jaw muscle just barely visible. Looking into his eyes I could see that this unnerved him..and he wasn't the kind to allow a fear, however small, to remain unconquered..Maybe he was testing himself, or testing me?..and then I let my empathy uncoil a tiny bit to understand what it was that he was offering me, and with some relief and astonishment I sensed what he was trying to do..He thought that he had pressured me into this, and was giving me the opportunity for revenge..after all doing something to someone 'for their own good' implies an element of coercion. He thought that I would resent or maybe even fear him, even more than others usually did anyway...And that I deserved a chance to hurt him in the same way as he thought he'd hurt me. I looked again at the scars he bore, and into his eyes, sensing the tension in him.. I loved him absolutely in that instant, like he really was flesh and blood kin to me, I would never, ever do anything to hurt him...and swore to myself that anyone attempting to restrain him in my presence was going to need a major healing spell, at the very least! "NO sir!" I said vehemently as I threw the cuffs into a corner as though they were a pile of offal. "Not now, not EVER!" and I threw my arms around him and embraced him tightly...I nearly let go immediately because he was so startled and confused by my actions. "I've never felt in any way coerced by you sir...You never heard me say 'no' did you? I'm not so screwed up that I can't say no!..and I WOULD have said something if I thought for a moment you'd hurt me." I said with some asperity.. He stood still for a moment. "And if anyone tries to tie you up in front of me sir, they're gonna need a medic!" I said ferociously and then, tentatively, awkwardly, as though he wasn't sure exactly what to do, he squeezed my shoulders and patted my back. I don't believe he got hugged often...rarely if ever...Maybe things would have been different if he had.

"You shouldn't be doing this little aide..people would make snide remarks about fraternization if anyone could see you now." he said, letting me go. "I would feel obligated to kick some butt about that point sir." I said releasing him..I never wanted to do anything to make him uncomfortable, and my unusual proximity was doing just that. And as he quirked an eyebrow at me, "Like you tell all the trainees, people in your unit are like family...you don't look old enough to be my father sir, even with that hair...hmm...I've always wanted a big brother!...And I promise not to be as big a brat as my little sister was." I said impishly with little grin at the end. He seemed amused at that...and a bit relieved. "Very well little 'sister', I think I'll let your fellow trainees in on this next week if you're up to it..teach them to use their verbal skills to reassure a frightened and traumatized hostage as well as give you confidence in your control...I don't think you would have reacted the way you did If that trainee had simply spoken soothingly to you." he said. "I'm good for it sir." I said though my stomach was in a roil at the idea. "Good, I will be there to observe the exercise, though I doubt I will need to interfere..they're a good class, these boys...By the way, I do hope you realize that even if I'm a 'big brother' to you doesn't mean you'll get any special treatment from me. You are still my subordinate, and I will still require you to stand for discipline if you screw up, major." he said sternly. Gods, I swear that hadn't even occurred to me..If anyone else had implied it, I'd have sheered their ears off and threatened to kick their rear ends in an effort to extract their heads from them if they even so much as thought it. "Yes sir, frankly I would feel insulted if it was any different." I replied with total honesty as he dismissed me for the evening. As difficult as it was to deal with when I screwed up later, I never regretted that last remark. I was always deeply honored to be treated like any other SOLDIER trainee.


	3. Tempered Strength

If I forgot a disclaimer then here it is...I don't own Sephiroth or Zack or anyone else who should show up in here except Ana'e and Jair...and most of the time I think Ana'e owns me, not the other way around! Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, or the Oversoul whispering in my ear, depending on your belief system...I should add a warning for language, angst and general unpleasantness.

Why would your superiors have thought I would be a better source for information on General Sephiroth than the surviving SOLDIERs? Talking to yourself Mr. Zuri? Hmm..well, even though the question was rhetorical, perhaps a sort of an explanation is in order. You're right, it isn't just that I was in the closest contact outside of Hojo and the lab techs or SOLDIER personnel. After the Nibleheim reactor incident, Hojo denied any knowledge of the whereabouts of Sephiroth or the men who'd gone with him...and as he was the first company officer on the scene, no one really questioned his account for several years. But the company had placed a considerable amount of reasearch money into Sephiroth and his training, and after discovering some of Hojo's more obvious deceptions, formed a small review committee to investigate exactly what had happened to him...Mostly to pacify those of us who were loyal to him, and the rumor mill. Oh hell yes...I'm absolutely sure now that old man Shinra knew the whole thing, and was using us as an excuse to sneakily review Hojo's budget appropriations. The only accounts at the time were a handfull of sketchy interviews with survivors. I volunteered to help whoever was heading the investigation, and was accepted as an information analyst...and as a result had unprecedented access to records that no longer exist except in my memory. I searched through those records to find any reason why Sephiroth would just abandon his mission, because I knew damned well that no mere monster could have killed him...and when I couldn't find a solid reason in Midgar, I traveled to Nibleheim to look in the records there, and probably found more of Hojo's secrets than I was supposed to...I found his video records behind a wall in the lab.

They included Zack's last report, before Hojo began his experiments on him...No, I'm alright, it was still very upsetting...He thought that he was among friends and that he was reporting to the appropriate people. He believed he that he was safe, and it makes me furious and sad, because I know he wasn't. If I'd known he survived, I might just have been able to save him. But I was certain that he had died when they went missing, because I knew that he would have come back, come hell or high water. He'd have come back for his girl if nothing else...he was pretty far gone on her. I still want to weep when I think of him in Hojo's hands for five whole years! In any case I found the very few survivors of Nibelheim, tracked down and interviewed master Zangan myself...He was the only one who didn't run, and didn't obfuscate about it. Shinra's cover up required secrecy, and revealing that one was a survivor of Nibelheim usually occasioned a very final visit from the Turks. I told him that I wasn't going to reveal that he was there, but it would probably be better if he forgot the whole thing after he told me. I reported to the president directly, and resigned in disgust when he refused to do anything about Hojo despite having hard evidence that he was performing unauthorized experiments on humans, and lying about it...Blasted old man was obsessed with finding the promised land, and refused to hear anything against the man he thought could find it.

Why'd they let me go? Well, to be blunt, I fairly sure Mr. Tseng had something to do with it. Even with the blocks, if he hadn't vouched for me, I think that I would have been locked in a lab somewhere right now, and we would not be having this conversation. Blocks?...You really don't know anything about how Shinra's shadier side operated, do you Mr. Zuri. I underwent a...process...that was supposed to render me unable to disclose anything in those files, even under duress, to anyone without the proper classification. Whoever sent you probably has contact with young Rufus...How'd I know...Mr. Zuri, isn't it obvious? The credentials you presented contained the key, otherwise I'd be finding it much harder to speak about many of these things to you...No, I'm not telling you what it was! In any case, as far as I know, old man Shinra, Rufus, and Tseng were the only ones who had it...I know for certain the old bugger is dead, so it would have to be Rufus or Tseng. Since I can't think of anyone else who'd be trying to rebuild Shinra company, and willing to work with the WRO to do it, it's more than likely young Rufus.

He always did seem to be a more sensible man than his father...Yes, I know...I'm half avoiding the next part...No, I remember it very well, it's just rather unpleasant. Just don't blab it about...The later part of this isn't the most flattering episode in my life...Why? Because I was stupid, and got lazy...Or maybe stress made my brains temporarily shut down, I don't think so though. I quite simply screwed up.

While he could be gentle at times, General Sephiroth could be very hard on us when it was necessary. But a punishment from him was never just about him being annoyed with you, as it all too often was with other officers...There was always a damned good reason, and a deeper lesson to learn from it. Yes, in fact I did...I stood for discipline from him more than once...I'd had worse in OT school...I'll tell you the whole thing, and you figure it out for yourself. I didn't view it as abuse, and still don't! This was probably after I'd been with him for a couple of years...and a few before they sent us to Wutai.

It was only a few days after he'd corrected that reflex under controlled conditions, and he'd decided to finally let the trainees in on it to complete the retraining. I was a bundle of frazzled nerves...mostly lack of sleep due to pure nervous anticipation. Even though the general had given me several tests of my new self control several times through the week, and it had held, I was still nervous about being held down by other men. I knew I had a long day ahead so I made a pot of battery acid..that's mess hall style, super strong, doubles-as-paint-stripper coffee, grabbed a couple of breakfast bars and a couple of mugs. "Breakfast sir?" I offered coffee and bar with what I thought was commendable calm...didn't fool him for a moment. "You'll be fine". he said eating the bar and washing it down with the coffee. He made a face "This is even worse than usual." He grimaced again at the strength.."now finish your coffee...if you can, that stuff is awful" I blushed slightly. "Awful indeed sir, but it wakes you up!" My coffee used to be the stuff of legend...powerful enough to wake the dead, and just as likely to kill you by eating the lining of your stomach! In truth, I never have quite got the knack for making the really good stuff, though now it's at least drinkable...And I have no clue as to how my stomach survived decades of the acrid stuff!...Solid forged mythril, I swear!

"That stuff nearly qualifies as a Life 3 spell major, lets get going." he replied dryly. I wolfed down the bar and downed the dregs of the coffee as I hurriedly tidied up, and we headed down to the dojo. I was as nervous as I had been in my life. "Go grab some of those pads and helmets from the equipment locker major." he ordered. "Yes sir." I said, and as I was looking for the helmets, I could hear the trainees talking in low voices with General Sephiroth "She'll be fine." I heard him say. One of the trainees said something in a fierce undertone that I couldn't understand. "Hmph! Not a bad idea. Records indicate that she took care of it, personally, several years ago, however I do think the offer would be appreciated." he said as I walked back with the pads and helmets..they'd been buried underneath a pile of armor awaiting repair instead of on the shelves where they belonged...I was going to have to have words with them for that sometime or other.

As I finished handing out the equipment, I was relieved to see the trainee I'd knocked silly none the worse for wear. He stepped forward and said "Major Kyruk ma'am?" he asked diffidently. "Yes trainee..?" I could tell he was gathering his courage for something. "We, us trainees I mean..You are like a sister to us...We don't know exactly why you reacted the way you did the other day, and we don't want to pry or anything...But we can guess some at least, and we've got just one question for you." he said tentatively as I caught my breath, and swallowed against my dry throat. "What would that be trainee?" my voice wavering a bit in spite of my attempts to keep it steady. "Which way did you want him sliced; down, across, or maybe in little bits?" he asked straight faced. I was touched..They were such a darling bunch of boys! "I am honored, and if I hadn't taken care of it some years ago..You have no idea how much the offer means to me though!" I said, my eyes starting to get all misty...Shut your mouth, mister Zuri, before you catch a bug in it!...just because they called me 'Miss Shiva' in officer training doesn't mean I don't get sentimental too. Oh, that...f'godssakes! I'm only bloody minded when the situation calls for it, and their hearts were in the right place. They were offering as brothers would do for a sister, not out of blind violence. Being a SOLDIER, or for that matter any kind of warrior, doesn't mean that violence is one's first resort, or even part of one's top ten! You'd best get that through your head RIGHT now Mr. Zuri...Because officially a SOLDIER or not, I'm just as much a warrior as the rest of them! Anyway, on with it. Do me the favor of trying not to interrrupt me, this is embarrassing enough as it is without needing to repeat myself.

"Listen up you lot!" the general said giving me time to surreptitiously wipe my eyes on my sleeve. "The exercise is the same as the other day, with one difference...The difference is you are going to use your verbal skills to reassure your target. The people you are going to be rescuing are likely to be traumatized and frightened at best, wounded, confused or outright manipulated at worst. Many of them will be women, children or people who have little idea how to defend themselves, let alone how to act in a combat situation. So men, your mission today isn't just to subdue and extract a possibly hostile target, it is to cross the length of the dojo, defending yourself and your target against your fellow trainees to deliver her safely to me. You will each do this at least twice today, once with a 'temporarily/partly incapacitated' target for practice, and once with an actively hostile target fighting you. You will use full force, all of you...that's what the padding is for. If I see ANY of you slacking off, you will stand for discipline!" I should have listened better...After all, he'd given me fair warning twice.

I went to the other end of the dojo and took my position on the floor. I'll admit my heart beat rapidly as the first trainee approached and sat on my legs, but as he slipped a pair of quickcuffs out of the front of his belt and on me all the while murmuring reassurances in my ear, I was surprised to feel absolutely not a trace of fear...I felt simply relaxed and alert. It occurs to me now to wonder if General Sephiroth had used a manipulation spell on me, because the feeling, or should I say lack thereof, continued as the trainee hauled me through the gauntlet and laid me down at his feet. "Not bad." said the General to the trainee as he uncuffed me. "But that third cut you took would have been disabling, possibly fatal in the end...Next!" this went on till all twelve trainees had had a chance, then we went on to the hostile target exercises. I have no excuse, and no one else to blame for what happened next, because after nailing the second trainee right in the particulars with a wild kick, and I eased up a bit..I didn't want to hurt them, and though they were wearing padding and protection, getting kicked there still hurt...I'll admit I got a bit lazy, and started to pull my punches...I'd forgotten my orders and what General Sephiroth had said earlier about slacking off..the General noticed after the sixth, the same trainee I'd knocked out, had dropped me off at his feet...All I really remember about that trainee is that he was kind, and had an extremely forgettable name...something so ordinary that you just can't retain it. Come to think, he was exceedingly good at blending in with the wallpaper visually. I seem to remember he got bigwig escort duty a lot, anytime they wanted a SOLDIER present, but not obvious.

"Good job trainee, everyone take five." Sephiroth said, and in a quiet aside to me as he released the cuffs once again, "Major, You do realize that I meant what I said when I said anyone slacking off would stand for discipline?" "Sir?"I said not really comprehending, then "Yes sir!...Sorry sir." I said, blanching as the realization dawned on me...Standing for discipline was a longstanding old military ritual..it meant submitting to a beating, stoically and with dignity...in other words, without screaming. Yowling out loud was viewed as shameful, small sounds were acceptable, though embarrassing. If the offense was minor, you'd get a dozen strokes with the flat of your commanding officer's sword..Painful, the flat of even a light sword leaves bruises as well as welts. For repeated offenses, they'd be administered in front of your squad or other unit...If it was major, or something totally dishonorable, you could get it with a nerve whip..Horrendous things, they send jolts of specially attuned electricity to the nervous system to cause extreme pain and a momentary paralysis. I'd have to say I'm absolutely overjoyed that they've been forever banned. No, it wasn't a surprise at all...that you could be ordered to stand for discipline, in public, or in private, was something you were made fully aware of before you even joined up. It was viewed as an acceptable practice...the "pain as a teacher" thing again.

Uh, thanks for the reminder." I said, in chagrin, kind of hoping he would forgive the offense...No dice! "I don't tolerate slackers major..five strokes should remind you to follow orders, and two additional strokes for each trainee that succeeds in capturing you to keep you motivated...and if they all succeed, I will administer them in public." the General growled quietly. He'd busted me good, and knew it, doing something that had truly pissed him off. I'd seen Sephiroth administer public discipline once before, to a foulmouthed trainee for direct insubordination...I'd always thought he was a weakling for yowling, now I know better. He was a total pissant, both before and after, by the way. I've had to stand for discipline in officer training before, so I did know what to expect. The worst was for running a pair of the commander's unders up the flagpole on a dare...That's among the top ten stupid pranks to pull in officer training I know, but gods was it funny, what with the Shinra logo printed all over the seat! Standing for the resultant discipline in front of my peers however, was painful and humiliating to say the least..the idea of facing it in front of the trainees, who were my nominal subordinates, absolutely horrified me. Needless to say, I fought tooth and nail through the next several exercises, caught my breath in the breaks as best I could, still three more of them succeeded. "Good job trainees, hit the showers. trainee, get that looked at by a medic if neccessary...If you were wearing the standard protection, I'm sure you will be able to father children in the future." Sephiroth said dryly to the trainee who'd been the proximal cause of my trouble. "Yes sir!" he squeaked in a comical high pitched falsetto, drawing a laugh from the guys, and a sheepish blush from me.

"I expect you all here at the same time tomorrow. Trainee, a word." The general said, calling over the young man that had been the center of trouble. "Yes sir?" he said as the general frowned at him. "I don't know whether to commend you or reprimand you." he said "Why sir?" He said looking perplexed. "You knew the Major was weakening, yet you didn't say anything, to me, or to her..Why?" said Sephiroth in the coolest tone imaginable. "Because I thought she was getting a bit winded sir, and I didn't see anything wrong with taking advantage of the fact..especially as I didn't want to end up singing soprano, even temporarily. So I deliberately went after her before she caught her breath...I think that she has had a difficult couple of days and is probably exhausted. I don't believe she was intentionally slacking sir." he said, trying to cover for me. I've only known one trainee who was kinder than that young man with the extremely forgettable name...and that was Zack. He was always warm and kind to people, and General Sephiroth was more distant, and often seemed cold...which made the friendship that later developed between the two even more unusual..their personalities were complete opposites, like sunshine and moonlight. He'd have been a perfect general's aide if he hadn't been absolutely rotten about doing the damned paperwork. I could have stepped aside for him but for that, if he'd wanted the job...and I'm not ashamed to admit I cried my eyes out when I read what happened to him in Hojo's notes, and the report of his death...but I digress. "Very well, I won't hold it against either of you, Dismissed!" Sephiroth said. I'm sure that the trainee thought I'd get off without a punishment because he tried to cover for me...and I never let him know any different...You tell me Mr. Zuri, what good would it have done him to know his attempt at kindness had failed, and I'll consider answering that question...It should be obvious, it would have only hurt him for something that wasn't even his fault!

As the door closed behind the kid I stood tensed and at attention, waiting. "Well, by my count that still makes eleven strokes..was what the trainee said true? Were you becoming tired?" he asked cooly with his hand gripping the junction of my shoulder and my neck, tilting my chin up so I had to meet his eyes. "Only partially sir." I admitted...It was hard to admit that to him, but it never crossed my mind to lie to him. "I was winded, but I could have fought harder...I still felt a little guilty about tossing him into that wall the other day, not to mention kicking the trainee in the errm, privates. I didn't want to hurt the others." I confessed shamefacedly, not certain he was serious about standing for discipline..he was, and I didn't need my sensitivity to determine his intent. This was going to be another painful lesson, one I had damned well better listen to. "Very well. Will you stay in position, or need I bind you? You may choose to stand or kneel." He said drawing his sword. "I will stand sir." I said taking my courage in both hands..It was a matter of pride to deny the need for binding, and I still had a trace of trepidation about restraints...Though if he had chosen to use a nerve lash, I would have begged to be bound and gagged, pride and dislike of restraints be damned!

"Assume the position" he ordered, directing me to the steel loop tie downs attached to the wall specifically for that purpose. I quickly shed my shirt. I was determined not to show any hesitation. I turned to face the wall, grasped the loops, and stood, my legs planted apart for stability, and braced myself. I spoke the ritual words, "I submit myself for discipline," thus honorably accepting my punishment. I couldn't quite keep a gasp from escaping as the first blow from the flat of his masamune fell across my unprotected back. His strength and the length of his blade put a bit more power into his discipline than the shorter standard blades and they used in officer training..Now I knew why that idiot trainee had screamed. Though, it was still nothing compared to the crippling pain of a nerve lash. The mandatory single stroke that all officer trainees were required to endure was more than enough to deter me from ever even wanting to do anything bad enough to deserve that! Though I believe the General wouldn't have needed a nerve whip to make me scream...If he'd chosen to use a fraction more force I'd have been begging him to stop long before the end. He might have done so deliberately if I hadn't been completely truthful with him...He really wouldn't tolerate a liar if he could get rid of them. I think he tended to tailor his punishments to fit the offence, and the endurance of the offender. If I had screamed or begged, he would have cut it short..He'd stopped in disgust when the trainee lost all dignity. He'd have stopped...I'd have been reassigned elsewhere within a month, and that would have been the end of it. I could have requested a moment to control myself if I felt as though I was going to lose it, without any consequences beyond my own feeling of embarrassment, but my stubborn pride just wouldn't allow it...I was determined to be as silent and dignified as possible.

"By easing up on the trainees you are not doing them any favors." the General snarled as he administered another stroke. "In fact you are endangering their lives by not making sure they are at their fittest!"...by the third blow, I had to bite my lip to keep from wimpering...now I understood why he was going so easy on me, because eleven strokes for ignoring an order like that was a slap on the wrist compared to what I would have gotten in officer training. I could have expected at least twenty for a similar stupidity there, or if I'd been assigned to any other officer...but that long blade made it equally memorable. "It undermines their training when you deceive them into believing that they are stronger than they really are." he said as he struck again. "They must be ready to face any and all situations by the time they become full fledged SOLDIERS." I sucked in a breath and held it through the stroke. "It is our responsibility to make sure these boys will survive when they get into the field, and today you failed in that responsibility!" he hissed angrily. I felt sick with the realization that what he was saying was true, and felt my legs begin to shake as he delivered another stroke, drawing a line of blood across my back. The seventh stroke brought me to my knees, my head swimming from lack of oxygen as my legs gave way.

"Do you need a breather major?" Sephiroth said with acid sarcasm..You'd have thought he'd be breathing rapidly himself, from the effort of keeping precise control of the blows he delivered...he could easily have broken every bone in my body with his strength, or cut me in half if he'd allowed his blade to go edge on. "No sir." I gasped, it came out in a squeak. I dropped the pitch of my voice as I somehow gathered the strength to push myself back to my feet. "I'm sorry sir." I apologized for failing something as basic as staying in position. "One additional stroke for being out of position. Next time remember to breathe." he said in an annoyed tone, and paused for a few seconds to allow me to catch my breath...I'd wished at the time that he would just get it over with! "You will never slack off again, will you Major?" he said as he let another stroke fall, another line of blood forming from the sharp edge of the blade as it grazed the raised edge of a welt from an earlier stroke. "No sir!" I gasped out, barely choking back a scream. "If you ever do, then I will view it as willful insubordination, and next time this will be public, with a nerve whip!"...I felt my breath catch in my throat, and the blood drain from my face. I shuddered involutarily at the idea as the next blow fell, drawing more blood.

"I see that you understand me now major...if you continue to acquit yourself as well as you have, you may have a restorative treatment in one hour." he said as I stood braced against the wall, shivering...The general made sure that the men were healthy enough to go on a mission at a moments notice, even if they made the kind of mistake that landed them standing for discipline. I was only an aide, and it wasn't necessary for me to be in shape for a mission, so it was remarkably generous. In officer training, and most other cases, we had to endure till we healed naturally. "Thank you sir, I will do my best." I said and bowed my head to hide the silent tears of pain and shame. "If you care at all for these trainees, you must learn to care enough to hurt them if necessary!" he said, and I nodded in acknowledgement as the next blow fell. 'Just three more, just three more...I will not scream, I will not weaken, I will not act in a dishonorable way again!' I chanted mentally to steady me as the next blows fell, and then it was over...he handed me my shirt, sheathed his sword and stalked off to his office. As soon as he was gone, I fell once again to my knees and remained there for a few moments, leaning my forehead against the wall, and letting some of the tears I'd been holding back just fall, and then, just breathing and thinking. In a way I felt honored that Sephiroth himself had thought highly enough of me to discipline me himself, in private. He could have simply bundled me off for a court martial, or he could have made an object lesson of me. He could still dismiss me from his service and order my reassignment elsewhere..it was in fact what I deserved. No mister Zuri, he wasn't being in any way harsh. He was treating me the same as he would any trainee or assistant trainer...in fact, with a lot more tolerance than he would have an assistant trainer...And I still say I've had worse in officer training. I hope you don't think he should have gone easier on me because I was a woman! I'd have died of shame if he had!

After I dragged myself into up the stairs and into my room, I had managed to get my bra off...Yes, of course I was wearing one!..Standing for discipline does not require indecency! I've seen swimsuits that covered considerably less than my gray army underthings. I'm fairly sure he wasn't interested in the front of me at that point anyway!

In any case, I got it off, and wrapped a robe around me backwards...I couldn't quite bring myself to put my shirt back on, I grayed out when I tried, so I was sitting cross legged on my bed, meditating to block the worst of the pain, in the only position that wasn't absolute hell when General Sephiroth knocked at the door to my room in precisely one hour with a mastered restore materia in hand. "I don't deserve it sir...I'll understand if you want someone better qualified as your aide." I protested in a small voice, bowing my head in shame as he gestured impatiently for me to turn around. "Don't be more of a fool than you've already been today. Did you really think I would dismiss you for a single error in judgement? You were wrong to think you could get away with laziness...Perhaps I have allowed you to become too familiar...You should know better than to think I wouldn't notice when you were slacking! I mean exactly what I say major. You are still here because I believe you will never repeat this error again. If you ever do, the penalties will be much more severe, because you will not be able to claim ignorance." he said irritably and applied the spell before I could even gasp. "I'm sorry to have acted in such an irresponsible manner sir...I didn't fully comprehend the seriousness of my role in the training." I said, and sagged in embarrassed relief as the spell took hold.

"I'll forgive you only if you swear not to make this necessary again." he said placing his hand on my chin, turning me to meet his eyes. "I will do my best sir..I am sorry to have disappointed you." I said with tears threatening to run down my face again. He blinked. "You surprise me major...you accepted your punishment with dignity, and with a stubborn pride, yet you seem to hold no resentment towards me. I find nothing to be disappointed about little aide, in fact you have shown more honor and courage than some of my SOLDIER recruits...Now get some rest major, you should sleep in tomorrow...consider it an order. You are clearly exhausted. I have plans for a field excursion for the trainees, one of a series to weed out the weaker ones before they begin the mako infusion process...those that would not survive it intact in any case." he said. "Sir..in a way I'm glad this happened now..I've grown a bit attached to those boys..and the idea that my carelessness could have killed them hurts worse than the stripes." I said grimly, looking him square in the eye. "Good. You are getting the point. And next time you get winded, ask for a breather. There is no shame in asking for a needed break, you are only an ordinary human." he said, patting me carefully on the shoulder. "Now sleep!" he ordered as he walked out the door.

I lay down, still slightly sore, but no longer in intolerable pain. He hadn't cast a spell of such high order that I didn't ache a bit...and thought again about what I'd been doing, about what I might have felt, if any of our trainees died because they weren't ready for a fight...Possibly deadly for more than just the trainee, and I was glad General Sephiroth had stopped me, before I'd made overconfidence a fatal bad habit for someone. 'Damn, he was right about pain as a teacher!' I thought ruefully as I shifted position and got a twinge from my back. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Just like an elder brother raising a baby sister, he'd spanked me and sent me to bed. 'I'll never disappoint him again!' I thought fiercely...'I hope'.. I realized that really I wasn't in the best emotional shape at that point. The last few days had been an extreme emotional roller coaster, one that I was glad to get off of! I just let tears of relief fall silently into my pillow, and that release finally sent me off to sleep.

That incident was my last big screw-up. It wasn't long after that Wutai started making trouble. A few years later all hell broke loose, and a couple years after that, SOLDIER training was put on hold.


	4. Poisonous Relations

Things were fairly routine in the time leading up to Wutai...Everyone was hyperaware of the situation, but no one was gearing up to go there yet. There had been a number materia hunters found dead, not too unusual, it was a dangerous job...But when company geologists looking for mako sources had gone missing, and diplomats that had been sent to negotiate a search ended up poisoned...Well, things got tense, and eventually escalated. The only wonder of it was why Shinra didn't send in SOLDIER from the get go. It certainly took the man long enough to realize that ordinary troops weren't going to be enough to subdue Wutai! In the meantime, they were utilizing SOLDIER as a stopgap for the troops they sent there...Large and or problem monster hunting and other things the troopers had done still needed doing. The years before they started sending SOLDIERs to the front were almost pleasant for the most part, barring my little screw-up.

Good gods Mr. Zuri! Where on earth did you dig that picture up from?!..Yes, it's a mugshot...well, I've already told you how I ended up in the army in the first place...What, more pictures?...Oh my goodness, band photos! Gods that hair was scary...huge and shocking pink! Oh yes, that one's from the victory ball after Wutai...Why, thank you! Yes, you are correct about the dress, it is a designer original...No, I bought it myself. Oh good grief Mr. Zuri, use your brain! It would have been a display of the worst sort of favoritism if the general had bought it for me! No, I got it nearly two years before that picture was taken. Ugh!..That's that inveterate, _stinker_ Hojo lurking in the background...You're damned right I had a grudge against him..Yes, even back then. He was a class A pervert for starters. Well, that all started before Wutai, as a matter of fact it was the same time I got that dress that I had the first run-in with him...The very day after my screw up, in fact. I wonder now if he didn't have a spy in the ranks, to make him think that I might even consider disloyalty.

The next morning I woke up late, having slept like the dead! Looking back, I was truly exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally...It was when Shinra began shuffling SOLDIER personnel all over the continent into army positions, while they were beginning troop mobilization for Wutai. I found a note from the general, with a list attached, suggesting I take a couple of days and make a run into Midgar to pick up some equipment for the dojo from central, and that I get new uniforms, as they were becoming too loose for regulation fit. Well, if he'd noticed my uniforms getting looser, I knew they must look pretty baggy. If you looked at my fellow aides, it wasn't uncommon to see a bit of spread after a while...All the time we spend sitting at a desk will do that to you. But helping out with the training had really gotten me into fighting trim! Good thing too, as it happened...Anyway, new uniforms! It's a rule somewhere that they never have the right size, even for the guys. It's a screaming pain in the butt to get them out of central in proper sizes, especially if you're a woman, and nearly impossible if you're any rank above lieutenant! Officers are responsible for the purchase and maintainance of their uniforms, and part of our pay was supposed to cover the cost of normal replacements. But as I was thinking of the long term, and saving pretty much every scrap I could...Well, you can't stay in the army forever, and unless you're a general, the retirement pay is lousy! Part of me still remembered the little girl who arrived in the slums with little more than the clothing on her back. I was determined to never be in that state again, let me tell you!

Yes, I was a bit of a miser, and getting them retailored was considerably cheaper. It left me more in my savings...and a little for shopping!..and believe me, there's nothing like a little retail therapy to help with the mental hygiene!..Yes, I enjoy shopping, even if I don't buy a thing...I guess it's something about seeing shiny new stuff in the shop window, and knowing that I can actually buy it if I really want it. Though, I only really splurged on music, naturally. You can be tough and professional, and still remain feminine...everyone else seems to forget that. I headed down to the wall market, to a tailor's shop that I knew fairly well...they not only did alterations, but they also did some of their own designs. I stopped in to talk with the guy who ran it, Old man Cho as he was called, the best tailor in the sector, possibly in all of midgar, and the bluntest, most tactless man on the planet! Which was why his shop was in the wall market instead of on the plate. Tasteless rich people, especially if they are President Shinra's latest mistress, don't appreciate being told they're tastless, and express their displeasure with old man Cho by blackballing him, and chasing him off the plate...The ones with thicker hides and better sense still made their way down to the wall market to buy from him!

If you had to go into the slums, wall market was the safest place...Troublemakers just tended to dissappear, one way or another, and nobody wanted to piss off Don Corneo by disrupting his trade.

I went to the Tailor's shop to get a rush job on the alterations, and ran into Cho's then teenaged daughter Angelia instead of the old man. She gave me a peculiarly intense look, sizing me up, and said "Yes, you are the one..You'll be perfect!...Daaaddy, come here a minute please!" She bounced with enthusiasm while I stood there kind of bewildered and more than a little unnerved, wondering if she hadn't gone crazy, old man Cho walked out from the back of the shop, and said to his daughter "What is it Angel?..Oh miss Kyruk! What can I do for you today?" he never gave me my proper rank, but from him I didn't mind it. "I need these uni-".."Daddy! She's perfect!" Angel interjected before I could finish my sentence. "The burgundy and cream!" she said in an urgent tone as I stood there looking blank. Anywhere else, it would have been rude, but I was used to it from old Cho...I knew she didn't mean any harm by it.

Old man Cho comes up and takes my bundle of uniform parts, lifts my chin with his finger, looks at me, this way and that..and says "hmph, you'll do very well indeed...alterations on these?" "Yes sir" I said, thoroughly spooked, and slightly miffed by that point. "Good, you were beginning to look like a refugee from the rag bag, the way these unis were sagging!" he scolded...You see what I meant about tactless?..You know that little voice inside, the internal editor that tells you when you're saying something rude that you really shouldn't? He didn't have one. I couldn't get too angry with him because at least he was always honest. "DAAAD!" Angel howled, outraged on my behalf. "It's ok" I told her.."I sort of expected him to say something like that...Even the General noticed that my uniforms don't fit anymore, and he just doesn't usually pay attention to things like that." I said sheepishly. "I'll do these alterations for free, if you'll let my daughter play dress up with you for a couple of hours" Mr. Cho said. It sounded like a good deal, and not really that unpleasant, so I nodded my somewhat bemused agreement. "Daaaaad! you make me sound like a ten year old kid...Either that, or some kind of pervert!" she squawked indignantly. "She is right, you would be the perfect model for the design she's talking about." he said while grinning fondly at his child. "go ahead, she doesn't bite, hasn't since she was about four anyway."

"Right this way miss Kyruk." she chirped. "Call me Ana'e..and you are?" I asked. "Angelia Tali-cho." Yes, the famous clothing designer Talicho, before she was famous. "I must have somehow had you in mind when I designed this gown, because there is not a single other person in this city that it would fit!" The dress she had me try on was incredible...dark burgundy at the bottom of the full skirt, shading gradually up till it was cream colored around the middle of the bodice, shading to a medium red, just to the burgundy side, again on the upper portion. Silk woven with subtle patterns all through the fabric and sparkly crystals sewn in to the patterns, long form fitting sleeves, slightly daring off the shoulder neckline. It fit like a glove, it didn't even need the hem changed! When she began to show me some of the gown's secrets, like the outer skirt that converted to a cape, and the concealed pockets, I knew that she was absolutely prescient. I am unusually tall and long limbed for a woman..My sister used to tease me about being a spider when I was a kid..Even General Sephiroth was only a couple of inches taller...Yet the dress fit perfectly!

It was surprisingly flexible and strong material, it had hidden pockets, just the right size for a couple of discreet daggers, or my little long range pistol, and the long part of the skirt was removable in a fight, converted to a little cape, or as she pointed out, you could go from formal to club in seconds. She steered me over by a full length mirror, let my hair out of the usual bun at the nape of my neck and swept it to the top of my head in a sort of sketchy updo, slid a couple of sparkly red and white crystal clip combs in, and fastened on a matching necklace and a sort of headband that came to a point with a ruby red drop in the middle of my forehead, and turned me around to face it. I swear, my own mother wouldn't have recognized me. Even without makeup, I looked like an elegant woman...and for the first time I didn't feel like it would be a liability. I asked the price, and blanched a bit at the figure she named..I could swing it, but... She followed by naming a figure about half of that, on the condition that I tell anyone who admired the gown where I'd gotten it. I explained that there weren't many occasions where I would wear it, but she said that I'd need it someday, and insisted I should take it at that anyway.

By then her father had finished my alterations, and knocked on the dressing room door asking if we were decent. Angelia replied that we were, and as he walked in and saw me, his jaw dropped, and he started swearing and said that if he was twenty years younger, he'd...well he got kind of graphic, enough to make me blush, and I'd been around twenty-something year old bachelor boys for several years! But when Angelia started making gagging noises at him, and repeating "What would mom say?" in an increasingly shrill voice, he apologized and said "You realize you have yet another way to leave a path of devastation behind you, warrior lady..in the form of broken hearts." And as I tried to protest, he said "Just consider my reaction representative of the rest of the healthy male population." Huh..he was such a dear old fart. "You, Mr. Cho, are a dreadful old man!" I said, wondering if it was possible to overheat from blushing. He whooped and went off crowing "Huzzah! I've made it to dreadful old man! Now I can be senile and crotchety instead of just nuts!" all the while. I understand now what he meant, but at the time I joined Angelia in scratching my head, wondering if he'd finally gone off the deep end! That dress, well...I just had to have it!..I bought the gown ensemble, and it did come in handy a bit more than a couple of years later, after the Wutaian war...Yes, even us warrior types want to feel pretty once in a while...Besides, who can resist the idea of being heartbreakingly beautiful at least once? I left for central kind of walking on air...maybe that's why I didn't sense Hojo in time to avoid him...

It was when I made the trip to central supply that I met Hojo for the first time. There was nothing on the outside that would suggest the kind of monster he'd turn out to be. He wasn't even bad looking for his age. I know many women would have called him handsome even...but there was something ruthless in his eyes...something heartless that made me want to run away screaming. I was waiting behind him to hand in the paperwork and arrange for the supply delivery. He handed the clerk his papers with a sneered instruction to not mess it up this time, took that strange stooped posture with his hands behind his back that I guess he thought looked intellectual or something, and whirled around to walk out...He ran headlong into me. He reeked of nasty chemicals and the filthiness of his labcoat, and gave off a vibe that gave me the creeps. He looked surprised for a moment, then seemed to recognize me...he must have known who I was from a file somewhere. "Excuse me sir." I said politely as I moved a few steps out of the way...and I hoped, downwind. I'd seen the tag that said he was lead researcher, and if he was in central, it meant he was a high ranked company scientist. Ticking one of them off was a good way to end your career...at the very least, so I stayed polite and ignored the fact he was staring at my chest. I stepped up to sign off on the paperwork, dismissing him from my mind, and the bastard goosed me. I gasped in outrage and whirled..."Please keep your hands to yourself sir! Such behaviour is offensive." I said with all the ice I could muster in my tone. He smirked and left. I completed my orders and went back home. I found a message waiting from the General with another to-order list for central, and the news that he'd be in the field with the trainees for several days longer at least. They'd been called in on an emergency monster infestation that was just too large for the locals to deal with it. It ended up being a month and several days...the critters weren't that large or difficult to deal with alone, but apparently they formed very large packs to harrass the towns. It seemed that every time I had to go to central after that, I'd see him there, but he didn't try anything till about half a year before they sent SOLDIER, the General, and me, as I was his staff, to clean up the mess in Wutai. I went to central to requisition some replacement harness for the General and some of the other SOLDIERs who were out in the field with him, and ran into Hojo for the second time.

The bastard ambushed me in the narrow street between central and the train station and got me caged up against the wall. How? I suppose I could have beaten the crap out of him with fair ease, but it would have landed me in the stockade for several years, if I was lucky. He just wasn't worth that. He knew that through simple logic. I think he knew I was afraid of him, and used that fear to pin me against the wall...Either that, or he thought my self defense skills were limited to what I'd learned in basic training. He told me who he was in nauseating detail, and after revealing that he knew who I was, tried to pump me for information about the General, and in the most condescending manner possible. There is no way in hell that any self-respecting aide de camp would reveal any kind of personal data about their officer...in fact, we take an oath not to do so except as required by a full court-martial. He was whispering obscene suggestions and his hands were getting personal again the whole time. I lost any qualms about getting rude. I pushed him away hard and had the satisfaction of seeing him land flat on his rear! He immediately started calling me every name in the book...miss bitch was the politest phrase used, and began making threats. I cut him off by pointing out the fact that not only had he attempted to press me into breaking my officer's oath, he'd also been making unwanted advances, and the company tended to take a dim view of such behavior. He got to his feet..."It'll be your word against mine bitch...and who do you think they're going to believe?" he said as he took a step toward me. I put up my hand in a stay away gesture. "Keep your hands to yourself or I'll break your fingers!" I snapped as he laughed. "Who're they going to believe, bitch?" he asked again..and in that moment I spotted movement overhead..I was never so happy to spot a security camera in my life! "I think they'll believe the security camera footage." I grated. He looked up and spotted it.."Congratulations, you pass the test!" and similar chocobo dung in an attempt to cover his ass...He was pouring on the charm...and if I hadn't sensed the seething rage beneath the smiles and flattery, I might have fallen for it. I couldn't stand his greasy personality for more than a few moments...I turned and started to walk away in the middle of a sentence. "You bitch!" he spat after me...well, I guess I had to have the last word, cause I couldn't resist spitting back over my shoulder "That's major Bitch to you." I left him there sputtering in incoherent anger. I didn't let myself start shaking till I got home. I went back to doing paperwork and typing up reports, and promptly forgot about it in the chaos of deployment.

You are one of the priviledged few who know everything about that incident now...I believe that the only people who knew were Hojo, myself, possibly then vice-president Rufus Shinra, and General Sephiroth...Of course I reported it to him eventually! The only reason I didn't do so immediately is that the general was out of contact for nearly a week after, on a top secret mission with the trainees, and when he came back everything turned so chaotic that I'd forgotten about it...In truth, I didn't really want to remember...Hojo scared me spitless, and I wasn't sure why! Now I have reasons for my fear of him, but at the time I had just my instincts, and didn't know how much Sephiroth hated him. I only remembered it much much later, in the thick of things. It probably set my dislike of Hojo in stone when forgetting to report the run in with him became a reason for the General to doubt my honor and integrity, if only briefly.

I typically went on campaign with General Sephiroth unless the mission was planned to be less than a week or so long, or very top secret, though I wasn't supposed to be involved in the fighting. During the war, we were out in the field a lot because initially, they sent regular army units to the front from wherever else they'd been stationed, smaller SOLDIER units were often sent to replace them. The first campaign was something of a failure..it ended in a stalemate after 4 years...Then the president got the idea of sending 'the great general Sephiroth and his elite SOLDIER corps' to lead the second Wutai campaign...Mostly to appease the public, whose loved ones had been fighting and dying the whole time. The most memorable incident for me was also how I met Jair in the first place. It was fairly near the beginning of the second campaign...we hadn't been there much more than a year, if that. The SOLDIER training had been suspended during the last portion of the first campaign, the trainees sent to various military units...The General set about regathering them, planning on having some of them act as support troops for the full fledged SOLDIER troops. It took a while to track them all down, and once they were briefed, redisperse them as needed throughout the army...Many had become the essential officer corps of the regular army after their normal officers had been killed in combat. The qualities that make a good SOLDIER make for good leaders, especially in fast moving or difficult situations!

The general started his campaign with a bang...He laid siege to and destroyed the only major city besides the capital in Wutai...It's a place that is no longer on the map, though you may have heard of it...it was called Nu-ri-suryene, a name that means "Gates of the Treasured West" in wutaian. It wasn't what you'd call a pretty place, though the views from it were spectacular. It had been built as a fortress, and was widely held to be impregnable. General Sephiroth took it in a week. He let one last caravan leave the city before he surrounded it...and believe you me, that caused a heck of a ruckus among the other generals and senior staff! What if it they were going for reinforcements? What if the reinforcements were already in the hills somewhere, and the caravan was a resupply and warning for them? The General had sent a SOLDIER scout, and knew it was no such thing...It was only most of the women and all the younger children who had lived there. I personally heard him tell the troops that though it was an order from higher up to capture or kill all such caravans, that as far as he was concerned, they didn't need to be in any hurry to do so...because as he put it, "We are not here to fight children." That was one quote from the battle of the Gates, as it's called, that never made the newsies, let me tell you! As it turned out, there was indeed a small force of troops encamped a ways away, but in entirely the opposite directoin the caravan had headed out. The destruction of Nu-ri-suryene is the reason for half of his reputation for ruthlessness. I have to respect their bravery, even as I view it as a waste of lives. They fought him to the last man, refusing any quarter, and when defeat was inevitable, they killed the few women and teenagers left in the fortress, then themselves...The last man set off demolition charges that brought the entire city down, leaving nothing the enemy could use. No, in fact he didn't order nor cause the destruction of the fortress. They did it themselves to deprive us of a percieved toehold. "Destroyer of cities, Avenger of Fallen Troops" sounded better to the bloodthirsty masses than "They blew up their own city to keep us from taking it", I suppose. The General's wisdom saved a large number of the army there too...If they'd pressed on in when the defenses were obviously weakening, instead of pulling back as he ordered, they'd have certainly been caught in the falling buildings and walls.

The incident I was talking about began really after the main body of men had gone out, the small Wutain reinforcement troop flanked the fighters and launched a surprise attack on our primary camp. I had no choice but to put my self defense skills to work..as the enemy seemed to focus on the medical tent and the General's command tent, probably after the spare materia and documents in it. After making sure the documents were secure, I had no time for anything more than hack and slash. The battle wasn't a long drawn out affair, but it was bloody. An enemy swordsman made sure I didn't come out unscathed, and he left a shard of poison materia that broke out of his blade in a shallow slash across my ribs, before I brained him...at the time I thought it was no more than a scratch and decided not to bother the medics with it as they were busy trying to save lives and repair the damage to their surgery tent..I slapped a bandage on and went on fighting. By the time the troops arrived to reinforce the camp, half of those who had defended it were either dead or dying, and another quarter were severely wounded. Many of the dead were technically non-combatants, orderlies, pages, medics, and aides like myself. The wutaians hadn't discriminated. I thanked the planet and all the gods that General Sephiroth had made sure I was well trained, or I'd certainly have ended up captured or killed.

I was feeling a bit odd, and had tossed my cookies a couple of times..You do that you know..at least after the battle when you realize there are people all around you whose insides are on their outsides, and in some cases splattered all over _you_. It's really only a worry when you no longer feel sick after a battle...I thought it was just normal post battle nausea and fatigue, till the General arrived back at his tent. He finished reading a short report he'd recieved from the scout units, and then commanded me to report on the status of the camp. As I did so, my voice started slurring more and more, and I began to have difficulty focusing. I was shivering and leaning on my axe to keep upright, when he interrupted me towards the end with a scowl and ordered me to "Sit down before you fall down". I did so gratefully, as my knees were shaking by now. "Why haven't you had that attended to?" he growled. "What sir?" I said having forgotten all about my wound. He pointed at my side where a bit of bloody bandage was showing through the slice in my shirt...I hadn't noticed the blood dripping from under my shirt. "Jus' a scratch sir, I didn wanna bother the medics with somethin so silly." I felt a tingle as he cast a sense spell on me.."Your "scratch" is bleeding profusely, and you've been poisoned..didn't you know the Wutaians use poisoned blades"? he said. I was by this time losing control of my emotions and getting more irrational by the minute. I said something to the effect of "Those sneaky mothering assholes! Let me at them!" or something similarly rude and idiotic as a wave of dizziness and a sudden flash of irrational rage swept over me. He stalked like a prowling cat over to where I was sitting..'Gods help me, he's so damn good looking...Bah, foolishness!' I thought distractedly, as he reached down and grabbed the bottom edge of my uniform shirt, "you are correct about the medics" he said, "there isn't a single one in camp that has a scrap of magic energy left now..even the esteemed doctor Ornari is exhausted.." and began to pull off my shirt.

My mind wasn't functioning right at all..The poison combined with the pain now beginning to seep through my adrenaline haze had an odd effect. I totally mistook his intentions. I was completely dazed by this time, I forgot everything except the fact that he was male, and far stronger than me..I felt a sudden rush of unreasoning fear. I began to curse and kick him and started swatting ineffectually at his hands. He grabbed my hands, and pulled them around to my back, and tied them there with the revenants of my shirt, yanked off my boots, pulled off his sword belt and strapped my legs down as well, came back around the chair and slapped me gently in the face to bring me back in focus, and explained calmly, in words you'd use with a frightened kid, that he was just going to treat my wound, and to stop acting like a silly child. I still wasn't able to even recognize him. At that point I had bit of a breakdown..I started weeping and cursing and feeling totally terrified and embarrassed...I'm just glad he decided to ignore my behavior at that point, because I wasn't in control of my mouth at that point. Normally I trusted him totally, I just somehow couldn't figure out who he was for bit. It was like he was someone else, some enemy, for a short time.

He figured out that it wasn't simple contact poisoning when he cast a poisona spell on me...It had little effect but to temporarily clear my head enough to recognize him, but I sagged a bit in relief as he pulled up a camp stool and medkit, and stripped the now bloodsoaked bandages off. He began to press at the sides of the slash..now the damn thing hurt! I winced, and he snapped peremptorily at me to hold still...His tone penetrated even the poison haze and I apologized then immediately complied. I held myself totally still except for the occasional tremor I couldn't completely control as he found what he had been probing for. He grabbed an antiseptic and anaesthetic spray from the medkit.."This is going to sting a bit" he said neutrally. Boy did he have a gift for understatement! I barely managed to turn my yowl into a snarl as that stuff seemed to burn the germs out of the wound.

I glanced up at him with blurry eyes, gasping for breath, sagging in relief as the anesthetic began to take effect, and quickly closed them as I was unerved by the avid look, almost one of pride, I thought I saw on his face as he was watching mine..It was almost as if he was enjoying my pain, or maybe my endurance of it...I dismissed the idea as foolish because when I next opened my eyes his expression was normal again...I should probably have heeded my instincts...A bit of advice..never get in the way of a warrior fresh from a battle, it's suicide. On the last edges of battle madness, it's possible he did enjoy the pain. Battle madness makes the insane sensible, and turns the horror of killing into a thing of beauty..I remember my first battle madness..How slow everyone else seemed to move, how I was entranced by the incredible beauty of a spray of blood droplets coming off of my axe as I sliced through a man's torso on the battlefield, the sweetness of his scream, and how good it felt to unleash the rage I felt, that I had contained within me for years...I was violently ill later, after the battle, sick at heart and mind as well as body, but in that mad state, it was exquisite. The amount of rage I know he kept contained every day, the fact that he didn't lash out and randomly destroy whatever crossed his path... His sense of honor and self control, which matched and surpassed his physical strength, was the only thing that made Sephiroth kill cleanly, quickly, and only when necessary.

He reached into the wound with a pair of tweezers, and extracted a pea sized shard of shattered poison materia, which he sealed in a vial and sent off via runner to the medics as soon as he finished. He also fished out a couple of tiny fragments of bone that had shaved off my rib, and cleaned the it with a pack of sterile water. He surprised me by drawing on a sphere of mastered materia from his bracer, and casting an esuna spell on me..a sensation like being plunged into icy cold water followed by a moment of barely controlled nausea, and I was thinking relatively clearly again. I had expected perhaps a vial of foul tasting antidote, or a potion to carry me till a healer could attend to me. He selected a prethreaded needle from the medkit, and quickly closed the slash with a few well placed stitches, finishing just as the anesthetic was wearing off..

"There" he said as he applied a new bandage."That should hold till a doctor can see to it properly in the morning." he said coolly. "Wow! I have a brain again! Thank you very much sir. I'm honored that you would tend to me yourself"! I said shyly..No, I knew he had some medical training, because it's part of SOLDIER training. They were often sent on well-publicized search and rescue missions...But I didn't know the sheer extent of his, nor that he'd waste the mage power on someone who was a nominal noncombatant. He gazed appraisingly at me and said "Good aides are difficult to train..especially those who aren't also spies set to watch me..You aren't a spy, are you now little aide?" he said with one hand on my chin so I had to meet his eyes, which seemed to be trying to bore a hole in my skull, the other resting lightly on my bandages. "No sir!" I replied firmly before I thought it through, then I remembered the incident with Hojo. I could tell that he knew something...and then with a little grimace I admitted "I was approached by a man the last time I was in upper Midgar..one who appeared to be a doctor. some greasy..person..named Hojo, but he was wearing the filthiest lab coat I have ever seen, or smelled, A while ago...Shortly before you returned to Midgar after that last skirmish. I was frankly insulted by his...offer.. I meant to tell you, but haven't had time, with all the preparations for this operation.. Do you want me to pretend to take his offer when we get back sir?" I asked not hiding my dislike of the idea. "I might...Why didn't you take him up? Most of my former aides accepted his, or another's offer..what made you refuse?" he said quirking a skeptical eyebrow at me. I flushed and glanced away.."..Or did you truly refuse?...Answer me." he commanded as I continued to try to evade him. He began to put careful but painful pressure on my wound as I kept trying to duck my head. "You WILL tell me." he said, his eyes glowing with suspicion, anger and distrust. I suddenly remembered the stories I'd heard about two of my nastier predecessors...That they'd dissappeared in the heat of battle. It would be really easy for me to meet the same fate if I didn't come clean immediately...besides, the idea that he mistrusted me so was just as painful as the pressure of his hand.

I should have told him immediately, not telling him had made him suspicious. "Look at me, and answer the question!" he said, increasing the pressure and I gasped "Ow sir!" in protest, and finally capitulated. "It's not that I don't want to answer sir..It's just..I, I'm just so damned embarrassed...He got handsy, for starters and, and, said some, some..disgustingly inappropriate things..and then giggled, like an insane child when I threatened to break his fingers! When I checked him out to see if he really was who he claimed to be and to see if I needed to report him..I found out more than I ever wanted to know sir, just in the open paperwork! He has the ethical standards of a swamp zolom..no honor at all..his assistants tend to "disappear" on a regular basis...especially the female ones...And he scares the _hell _out of me!." I blurted out flushing with disgust. "What? More than I do?" Sephiroth said with cool amusement. "Yessir" I said, meeting his gaze again.."Quite honestly, I've never been very afraid of you, I respect and trust you too much to be afraid sir. Maybe that isn't altogether sensible of me...But you've only given me the feeling that you want to beat the crap out of me when I screw up. I know that Hojo wants to dismember me and put me back together wrong, repeatedly, just to see how I twitch...I'm not just afraid of him, I'm terrified!" I admitted miserably with a shudder I couldn't suppress.."He regards people as no more than objects...or subjects for his experiments..Sir...he is a pervert with power, and if there hadn't been a security cam, I don't believe he would have taken 'no' for an answer without considerable force behind it." I said, shaking with the memory, and post battle reaction. "Perceptive of you..Next time don't wait till you are under duress to answer me..You need not feel too embarrassed to bring this sort of thing to me. I will keep your confidences as you keep mine." he chided, releasing my chin. "Yes sir, sorry sir". I muttered still feeling vaguely embarrassed, for having not told him.

"Umm sir?" I said a few minutes later. "Mmm?" he said appearing deep in thought. "Could you untie me now?..I feel kind of chilly sitting here all umm..hanging out." I said blushing...I was getting goosebumps on my goosebumps, in the most unusual places! He said after a moment "Oh, of course.", and he leaned forward and reached around me, apparently having no idea what effect his proximity was having on me..my head was still not completely clear, survival instinct and hormones..I could feel his body heat where his arms were reaching around my shoulders and through the fabric of my bra where his chest brushed against me, the rumble of his voice as he said "It's good you were honest with me, little aide...I wouldn't want to have to damage you to obtain the truth. I'm not angry at you for not telling me earlier...the chaos of our sudden disembarkation for this continent obvously delayed your recall." into my ear as he tugged on the knots that were restraining me, his breath stirring my hair...it made me delerious! I felt dizzy, and my heart began to beat faster. I was also sensing his bloodlust from the earlier battle..in the state I was in, it's no surprise I mistook it for the sexual sort. I wondered idly how he always knew when I was telling the truth..I instinctively knew better than to lie..could it be empathy?..contact enhances empathy...then I realized his fingers were also brushing pulse points on my neck when he was holding my chin..he was monitoring my pulse and eye dilation...just like a lie detector!

"I wouldn't have done it anyway sir" I said tentatively. "Spied on you I mean, or anything else so dishonorable.. I'd even refuse a direct order to do so, it'd be unethical. I want you to know that...I regard your privacy as a point of my own honor. Hojo, or anyone else, wanting a spy can kiss my cracked ass!" I said, giggling at my own cleverness, and feeling peculiarly warm all over, as though I'd been drinking. "Such language!" He said, with an amused air as he brought my right arm around to finish untying the knots. "Sorry sir, it's just how I feel." I said blushing, feeling my blood boil at the touch of his hands on my ankles and calves as he released the belt holding my legs. And then as he started to rise, I couldn't stop myself, I felt like I was on fire...I impulsively reached up, put my arms around his neck and kissed him, passionately, winding my hips against him. I must have surprised him, because for a second or so he did nothing..then, abruptly I felt his palm press against my shoulder, and as I resisted, my bandaged ribs, causing a pain so intense I passed out for a split second. I gasped and collapsed back into the chair wimpering, with tears on my face as he loomed over me with an expression of barely controlled anger on his face. "Games little aide?" he snarled in outrage. "I don't play games in my own chain of command." he spat. "And you know better!" he growled as I cowered away. I. I, I'm s, sorry sir, i,it won't happen again, I d,don't know what c,came over me!" I stuttered, nearly as startled and completely horrified at my own behavior as he must have been. For the first time I was truly afraid of what he might do to me, still on the edges of battle.

He reached again for my bandage, and I flinched away with an involuntary wimper. "Hold still you little fool!" he snapped irritably. "I am simply going to make sure your wound hasn't reopened." he said acidly. I couldn't keep from shuddering as he glared at me while his hands were gently peeling back the bandage. "You are fortunate the stitches are still intact" he said in a tone as cold as the northern continent. "If they had ruptured I would have had to resew them, and I am out of anesthetic. Drink this." he said and handed me a foul tasting antidote and glared at me till I drank it down. I shivered again, mostly from the cold of the evening air, and the blood loss I had sustained...only mostly, because I have no doubt he would have carried out that threat. He noticed the shivering. "Here, put this on." he said in a moment, calmer as he tossed me a robe.."I'm afraid your uniform is ruined" he said, having averted his eyes. "Thank you sir, I think I have a spare or two in my tent." I said shakily, as I shrugged into the robe and tried to stand up..tried and failed, miserably. I fell back into the chair panting, and dizzy. And as I caught my breath, he came over, took hold of my arm, and pulled me to my feet. He slung my right arm over his shoulders, reached around me and grasped my other elbow to support me and helped me the few yards to my tent, as I continuously apologized for my weakness. "I don't know why you put up with me sir". I said meekly. "Self preservation little aide. I would have to do my own laundry and paperwork, or worse yet I would be stuck with one of those moronic chatterboxes the other generals have for an aide." he replied as he lowered me onto my cot. "Thank you so much sir, I'm sorry about...I didn't mean to be so presumptuous...I really don't know what I was thinking!" I said trembling with eyes downcast. "I meant no disrespect sir." I said, feeling as if I were dying of shame. "If I thought you had intended disrespect, you would be in the stockade, not here...we will speak no more of this." he replied flatly. "A doctor will be here in the morning to cast a proper cure, and see to it that you are fit for duty as soon as possible...in the meantime"..and the last thing I remember as I felt a tingle of magic was a blanket dropping over me, and hearing his voice compelling me to sleep.


	5. Finding my heart

The next morning I half woke from my enforced sleep to hear voices at the entrance of my tent, a stranger? No, somewhat familiar, but not one I'd heard a lot of...speaking with Sephiroth..about me!..I lay there, on the edge of sleep, unable to rouse myself enough to wake fully, listening with the distant awareness of a sleepwalker. "What symptoms other than sweating, weakness, nausea and dizziness did she show sir?" the vaguely familiar tenor asked. "She was shaking uncontrollably, and seemed disoriented, combative, and...confused later..." Sephiroth said, the scowl obvious in his voice. "Confused sir?" "She acted in a very inappropriate fashion before I cast sleep on her." he growled. "How so?...Ohhh!..nevermind sir, I understand completely. It is a transitory effect of the poison..In all probability she didn't know what she was doing, and in any case certainly couldn't control it. Our analysis of the materia fragment you extracted show that it causes the victim to go slowly berserk..in other words it weakens impulse control to the point of nonexistence over time. It appears to have been intended to run it's course over a 12 hour period. It also slows coagulation of the blood so that when it takes full effect, the increased heart rate pumps it out faster. In lower doses, and over shorter periods of time, the effects are...less serious, and in at least one case last night, quite amusing...you know straight-laced old colonel Cole?..well he got nicked, and an hour later grabbed the nursing director and dragged her off into the bushes...As the resulting ahem, noises showed that the lady in question was not at all adverse, non-interference till things were, ahem, settled seemed the course of wisdom." he said. Oh, It's that handsome Dr.Ornari, I thought absently..he had such a very nice sounding voice...I could sleep easy with that voice in my ears...I thought distantly, still not really awake. "Hmmph, what an awful image!...I trust that the esuna and antidote cleared it out of her system." the general said disapproval plain in his voice..I'd have been embarrassed if I had been fully awake. "Yes sir...Though it does take an hour or two for either to be fully effective with it...hey! Maybe the berserker effect was why she was fighting so fiercely yesterday! She was...magnificent, sir, absolutely heroic to the clerks and medics. She near single handedly kept the enemy from taking the medical tent or the command tent...A veritable battle goddess!" Dr. Ornari said, awe apparent in his voice. Good thing I really am dreaming, cause I'd be blushing and sputtering right now if I weren't...I thought as I heard the tent flap rustle.

"Hmm..Wait here" I heard the general say. "Major, wake up." he said, and I felt a weight settle on the edge of the cot, and a tug on the toes of my right foot..the standard signal for swift waking...With a SOLDIER's reflexes, you don't want to wake them in any way other than one of the signals. Swift waking meant that you were needed fully alert, but didn't need to be quiet about it, silent waking meant awake and totally quiet, and was for when an enemy might be close enough to hear you, and waking for a watch meant just that, quiet for courtesy, but not silent...One of the first things I'd learned as the General's aide was the waking signals...It was for my own safety for the most part. Unless you want a fully combat ready and annoyed SOLDIER, calling them by their first name is the most sensible way to wake them. Quite seriously, if you have to wake a SOLDIER up for any reason, you should call their name from out of sword reach, especially if they're veterans of the Wutai campaign. Of course he trained me in that as well, or I might have made noise at the wrong time in an ambush situation, or just have been too slow when we had to bug out. It is the signal for normal waking to call their name...In my case, waking up is a fairly long process, so he used the signal to wake me faster. I gasped, abruptly fully awake and tried right away to sit up, only to meet the bar of the general's other arm restraining me. "Stitches, remember?...be careful how you sit up." he said. "You've met doctor Ornari..he is here to see to your wound now...I expect you will be fit for light duty some time this evening. I will need you to prepare requisitions for transmission then." he said as he walked out past the medic, "In the meantime, get some fresh air, clear your head."

My beloved doctor really is as handsome in body as he is of voice, long dark hair with a few threads of premature silver at the temples, warm, dark amber eyes, tall, a little on the thin side, but strong, high cheekbones, a strong jaw line, and a chin just a tad more squared off than the general's, sensuous lips...Alright, I'll quit now! Just suffice it to say that I was captivated by him the moment I saw him. He was part of the medical corps. Sephiroth had noticed me staring at him when he came to deliver the medical requisitions and casualty reports several days earlier; he'd even twitted me a bit about getting distracted.."A remarkable man, Dr Ornari. I've heard that he is a truly talented and dedicated healer..It's almost a shame he isn't actually a part of our unit." I remembered the General saying. Not part of our unit chain of command..that meant he wasn't off limits...I almost suspected the general of matchmaking! Maybe he was...I will say that it wasn't easy to be around someone as attractive as General Sephiroth was and not react to it, even if I did love him as I would a kinsman. Perhaps he took pity on me.

The doctor maintained a pleasant balance between professionalism and banter as he worked at gently peeling back the bandage. "You're lucky your General is so well trained in first aid, and that he recognized the initial symptoms of this poison...you would have been at best dead by now." he said as he gently pressed at my ribs, and cast a medic's sense spell...I sensed his attraction to me, and was hard pressed to contain mine for him. "Let me know if this hurts at any time..By the way major, I'm Jairedh. he said. "Ana'eledore ..but for planet's sake call me Ana'e!" "Very well, and you can call me Jair." he said politely."What do you mean at best?" I asked. "If you hadn't been treated, you would have become a danger to friend as much as to foe..the poison causes you to go berserk and interferes with your ability to recognize friend and foe, but it is fortunately slow acting..It also erodes your impulse control, making you act irrationally...I've had to remand several patients to the psychs today because they'd killed buddies under the influence. To top things off, it causes a flood of certain hormones to be released as a side effect." he said, and understanding dawned on me. "So that's why I..." " What? he said. "Why you what?" "I, I, felt so, acted so, so,...why I, Oh planet! I made an improper advance at the general last night!" I confessed while alternately blanching and blushing brightly. "Yes, especially in combination with your body's post battle impulse to..reproduce before you get into more danger, and the fact that he was the only nearby male." he said with a devilish flicker in his eye. "Damned embarrassing poison..especially as I don't feel that way about the general at all..he's more like an elder brother to me."I grumbled, absolutely mortified at the memory.

"Don't think you were the only one behaving out of character!..Shall I tell you about old Cole and his battle axe?" he said with that utterly charming twinkle in his eye. "Hmm!, you'd better!" I said archly..'damn he's sexy!!' was the gist of my thoughts, such as they were. "You wouldn't want me to perish of curiosity would you?" I said, and I really was curious, because old Cole was notorious for his exclusive preference of certain types of his own sex. He laughed at that and said "Just a minute, let me cast this.. I felt a sudden sensation of tingling heat as he released the cure spell at me.."Whew..that's better!" I said. "If I may be so bold to ask, why didn't you get this treated last night?" he said. "I thought it was just a scratch Dr. Ornari..Jair.. you guys had enough to do over there trying to save lives without me whining about a little damned scratch..and I didn't know about the poison." I said, being completely honest..I'd sensed the complete exhaustion of all the medics, as some of them used spells to exchange health for magic energy..Dr. Ornari had saved many lives by doing just that..he'd drained himself to the point of near unconsciousness, trying to save just one more.. "Very kind of you..though I am sure we could have spared at least an antidote for the poison."

"Huh..so what's this about old Cole?" He proceeded to give me a blow by blow descripition of the Colonel's misdeed. By the end of the tale I was giggling hysterically at the images he was giving me. "Hold still another moment." he said running his hand along the already fading scar pressing gently and removing the stitches as he went. I winced as he found a particularly sensitive spot. "That hurt?" he said frowning. "The blade hit the bone, doctor...there are bound to be a few sensitive spots." I said dryly. "It shouldn't still be hurting..unless there was some kind of secondary trauma after the original cut. Did you get hit, hard enough to bruise after the initial battle?" I thought about it for a moment, then remembered.."No..but...the general did have to put some..pressure on me to get me to let go of him.." I said blushing all over again. "The pain must have been excruciating!..that's verging on abuse" he said his jaw tightening...He told me later a few of the kinds of abuse he'd run across among the other aides and pages. The general did have this reputation for being absolutely brutal on the battlefield...If I'd seen the abuses that Jair had seen, I would have jumped to the wrong conclusion too. "Nonsense! It was probably accidental as he pushed me away, and yes, it hurt a bit.. But I think he was being as careful as possible...At that I think I got off lightly..he could have pressed charges of attempted assault on a superior officer on me..besides, it's possible that in the ummm.. state.. I was in, nothing else would have gotten through." I said wryly, and it suddenly hit me what kind of position it would have put him in if he had allowed me to continue..headquarters took a dim view of officers who took advantage of their aides..and any fraternization would have been his responsibility because he was of higher rank...I remembered again what he'd bluntly told the trainees sometime ago. "Your fellow SOLDIERs are your family, they are your brothers and sisters... Anyone within your chain of command, whether they give you orders or you accept theirs, is your sibling, and you don't engage in sexual behavior with your brothers or sisters.." Fraternization within the army was discouraged, but things will still happen when you have men and women crammed together in camps and barracks. The rules were there to make sure that they wouldn't happen within the unit, or where there was a potential for abuse...Nevertheless, the system occasionally failed.

"I hope you aren't implying that he would have in any way accepted my errm, advances! He could, I suppose, have let me go on, taken advantage of me without any regard to the shape I was in, and eliminated me with no one the wiser...I'd have been just another casualty of the war." I said.."But he didn't, because he is honorable! The only reason he may have struck to cause pain is he knows my reflexes, he ought to know them because he trained most of them into me...and there was um, quite literally no other way to get my attention at that point. He insisted on checking to make sure he hadn't torn any of my stitches afterwards, before he half carried me into my own tent, and even partly tucked me in, fully clothed I might add, before casting a sleep spell on me to make sure I rested..I think he has always had my best interests at heart." I said vehemently. "Whoa there!..no need to get defensive!" he said. "Sorry Dr. Ornari." I said, "but I've gotten used to hearing all kinds of wild stories about general Sephiroth..and he has never treated me or anyone else under his command with any force greater than necessary to their training and well being." I said firmly, not mentioning the little interrogation earlier. "Well..if you're sure.." he said. "I'm sure!" I said. "Then I will at least help quash the latest round of rumors..you were supposed to be jumping each other's bones last night..you were alone for almost three full hours..I can say with certainty that you were in no shape for anything untoward, as you were severely poisoned by a fragment of enemy materia lodged in your wound...and as to the remaining tenderness.." a wave of heat washed over me again, and the last of the pain disappeared. Heh..it was Jair's bones I wanted to jump, not the general's...Somewhere along the line any lust I'd had for him had simply drained away. Oh, I still noticed, but with something closer to the distant admiration one has for a statue or a holovid star.

"There, good as new!..And now that you are no longer my patient, would you like to take a walk, get some of that fresh air you were ordered to get?..I have no more patients today, and would appreciate the company." he said with a hint of shyness, but his eyes were alight. "Sure!" I said as his attraction, and the fact that his hand was still resting on my ribs got through to the part of my brain that adds up such things..and damn but he's so hot!.."Maybe we can swing by the bathhouse, and you can give me a hand washing my back?" I said not at all coy. "Oh, I think we can manage that." he said with a wicked grin, and finally, watching my reaction, he slowly ran his hand the few inches up that I had been wishing for what seemed hours he would. I leaned forward into his touch, to his surprise, and he stopped, startled for a moment. "What's the matter..Cat got your tongue?" I said saucily, and tilted my head at him in challenge. He leaned in and proved that his tongue was completely free with a very satisfying kiss as he slid his hand under my bra. I heard voices outside the tent, and abruptly became self concious. 'Uh, this way!" I said, and dragged him off into a private little clearing in the woods, where we could make all the noise we wanted...and oh planet did we ever make noise! We did end up at the bathhouse..eventually. It was in all a very satisfying day, one that was long overdue.

Oh my, too much information for you Mr. Zuri?..If your face gets any redder, people will mistake it for a tomato! Very well, I'll take pity on whoever's going to read this...As it turned out, Jair actually had security clearance equal to my own, which meant I had someone that it was okay to talk to about some of the hairier parts of my work if I wanted. We talked for hours, later...He'd noticed the internal scar tissue from my childhood, though he was so gentle that I hadn't, and I explained about it, the gory details of my past, and he told me some of the abuses he'd seen, young men and women raped and twisted into believing it was their fault, and of those who'd died under his hands the day before. I think I was the first person he could tell without worrying whether they'd understand, and keep it in confidence. We would continue dating on our days off, all through the war..which lasted several years, and beyond. I think that I was as much a haven for him as he for me. I was definitely falling for him, and I sensed the same from him. It was somehow safe for us to fall for each other because neither of us was in the thick of the fighting, and after the one incident the general set guards to prevent an attack on camp from happening again, so we didn't see much more combat...We weren't going to lose each other. He turned out to be my lifesaver later. I don't believe we would have ever met outside of work had general Sephiroth not insisted on having the best treatment for me...Something he needn't have done at all...I would have been fit for duty with a simple potion.


End file.
